Asklemmy

Gonna have to go with alcohol and benzodiazepine abuse for this one, basically because it's the only one that I have beaten (citation needed). Only one relapse in the past 10-ish years or so! Though it took a few relationships with it, and I've gone through multiple hospitalizations (some even voluntarily), and because of that combo and all the other shit that was going on in my head (not to mention the cocktail of SSRIs and eventual SNRIs like Effexor at max dosage combined with stuff like Seroquel at max dosage for literal years, of which Effexor is still the bane of my existence; and stuff like ECT) there's like this hazy quality in my own past for me. As if I'm talking about someone else. I can't even remember most of my life from around 2013-2018 or so.

I'd say the worst part about abusing benzos with alcohol is how good it feels. I still have the cravings. Like even now I'd be up for it. That combined with the fact that it only brings out the worst in me, every narcissistic and sosiopathic tendency is not only brought forth but amplified also. And it's unhealthy in general.

So if you don't happen to die in your sleep; once you wake up and realize just how many people you've hurt, when the full weight of your own actions and the coming consequences descend upon you, you just might hope that you did. Vice, thy name is me