Thank you for your answer and sincerity, I'm sorry you've been in these parts before...
I have to say, though, I think I'm past my depression, which my therapists agree. And, yes, I am unhappy, but I'm not closed off to the possibility of happiness, I do wholeheartedly believe it is possible, and on the other hand have grown enough to have realised that I don't even need happiness, I need drive. I am messed up because I cannot unsee the things I've seen. I am messed up because I see the human being as what it is, a creature with immense potential for causing varying types and degrees of harm to others, and we are living in a time in which most people alive seem to be taking full advantage of that potential. Every single point of sadness is an easily identifiable and thoroughly definable outside point over which I don't have much and/or immediate control. But I love life! I love living, I love doing things, creating, learning, and as a thespian at heart (groan all you want), there's artistic catharsis to be had in defiantly persisting while wading through this crap, and so I have all the force I need to see myself through.
What I meant through "being miserable together" wasn't "being depressed together," I meant being broken together, basking in the true ugliness of things together, facing our individual sadness together. I will never be a happy-go-lucky person and am more than fine with that, because I understand why I'm not and wouldn't have it any other way. I'd rather drown in the ugly truth than live a life of ignorant leisure, I'd rather be broken by knowing the world for what it is and staring it in the eyes incessantly.
To add, I'm not even looking for happiness in my relationships. I don't need my partner to make me happy or complete me, because I can make myself happy (or content, rather), and I am more complete in myself than I've ever been. I'm deeply satisfied with who I've managed to become in spite of things. I need a real human being with a bit more dirt under their fingernails than usual, someone unhindered by the pretence of surface acceptability and likewise unwavering in their relationship with the truth.
This is why I obsessed over nuance in my original post and why I apologise for failing to adequately provide it, I think most people misunderstand where I'm at and mistake it for a pathological thing, when it's actually just me being true to myself, which implies being open enough to the world around me, that I cannot but be affected by it when it clashes with my empathy and values. And there's a fuckload of clashing nowadays, which is why I'm in turmoil. Beyond that, there's nothing other than my profound passion for the grim and macabre, for the theatricality of ugliness. I don't want to sound pretentious, I'm just aware of the fact that this detail alone makes me an outsider. (Edit:) to be clear, this does not mean I seek drama or suffering in relationships, aesthetics and getting punched in the face during an argument because you've caught her in a lie are two very different things. The grotesque I like doesn't hurt anyone more than potentially offending their sensibilities.
I do want to confirm that I am and will continue to seek healthy growth, and am genuinely grateful that I've managed to actually understand what that growth means in my case.
See, that's the weird thing, I know exactly what the pattern is pointing toward, and it's myself. I am looking for someone similar to me. I actually see and steer clear of familiar behaviours which I've received from other people who've had a role to play in my traumas because I know those are a surefire way toward being abused. I don't espouse them, either, for the same reasons - I pride myself with having learnt from others' mistakes.
This is why I'm so damned confused about the feasibility of this tightrope I'm trying to walk. Because I know it's possible to be both healthy, functional and live with your demons openly, I'm living proof of that to myself. But the string of disappointments seems to indicate that it's not actually all that common, which sucks.
As for the devil I know, I know I try to not be one, honestly, which is part of the reason why I'm looking for something similar. I somehow hope that similarity is also an indicator of values and intentionality, and while it has somewhat been a useful benchmark, it seems to be missing a level of nuance which leads to things slipping past my net. And I have no idea how to adjust.
And related to the safe unknowns, it's never been fear, because I both give everyone the benefit of the doubt by default and also understand every individual's innate potential for destruction. I have seen the best and the worst in humans, they don't scare me anymore. They just annoy and, in extreme cases, anger me. The trouble with the safe choices is their innocence, I meant what I said. Interacting with a person who sincerely doesn't know the truth behind things is a very specific kind of exhausting and yet another type of walking on eggshells from my perspective. And it's heartbreaking, because I know from the start that some things they will never understand about me until they themselves go through them. And I also meant what I said about not wanting to be anyone's harsh awakening, because I understand that who I am intrinsically poses that risk to someone who still has that kind of innocence. It's a very big turn-off, and it's an especially sucky one, because it really isn't the other person's fault.
And, yeah, I echo everything you said about the power plays one sees in many relationships. And I'm honestly so fucking tired of that shit, those annoying little mind games and flash tests... I'm just too old for that shit, y'know? I'm looking for someone down-to-earth, who's dropped their pretences and who's in it for equal take, be it in getting drunk at the banquet, or dealing with the morning after, so to speak. The main things I seek are companionship, collaboration and mutual understanding, someone with whom to plow through life, as I said. I'm solitary and monogamous, I have very few people close to me at any given time because that's how I'd rather have it. A partner is more than just "a girlfriend" to me, I don't even know how to properly express the complexity behind it.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I wished so much for this to not be yet another one of those situations in which your gut was right from the start, kinda' hoped for an easy fix, that couple of words which'd make things click in my head. A-wadin' i shall continue to go, I guess...