The problem with this is, and it drives me crazy, I keep hearing "if we talked to them-"
I'm a woman! They won't talk to me! Or, if they do, it's to tell me why I'm wrong, because I'm a woman! This isn't something I can deprogram away!
And trust me, I've deprogrammed right-wing shitheads before, who weren't also misogynists. I can't do shit for the ones who aren't willing to talk to me. And the worst part? I have gotten lots of seemingly hopeless people into committed, loving, long-term relationships through the power of just listen to me, I can help you, but nooooo! I have breasts! I'm almost 40! I have a happy, long-term relationship, and I'm a woman, so what can I possibly know!
I'm sick to death of 'we just need to-' No we don't, because we can't. Men need to. Men need to break through this toxic bullshit because we, and by this I mean, women, literally can't. And trying- and trust me on this because I've tried- trying only gets abuse.
I really can't underscore this enough. The wall I come up against is, what do you know, you're a woman. "We" can't talk our way out of this one. The problem of toxic masculinity intentionally boxes women out, making it nigh impossible for women to help.
I hope you're joking when you say your marriage is hell. If you're not, maybe consider not being married? You deserve to not live in hell.