AnxiousMiisha

CW: substance abuse, dysphoria, internalized transphobia

Today has been nothing but nonstop crying for me. I woke up in a bad mood already (a bit sad). I notice this happens a lot the day after my injection. I'm on valerate, so I guess it's the peak of my E levels...

But anyway, I decided to get some more kratom, because I hate myself and it's something that actually makes the pain, dysphoria and overall misery go away. There's a store downtown that sells it, so I took a tram.
On the way there and on the way back...god, I don't know how I'd ever explain this to a cis person...
Seeing happy cishet couples flirting, having fun together, seeing beautiful and I mean stunning cis girls EVERYWHERE while I'm just huddled in a corner, doing my best not to cry. The pain is existential, that feeling of envy for something that I will never be...something I can never be.
Explaining this to cis people is purely impossible.

I wish so desperately I fit in. From the very beginning. All the way from kindergarten, worrying about normal girl stuff during the stages of my life. Flirting with boys along the way. Being desired by straight men. Fitting into the format from day one. It hurts so fucking much that I'll never experience that. Instead, I'm just a guy sometimes wearing a dress and taking estrogen...and that's all I'll ever fucking be

"But you're only 7 months HRT!"
Yeah...I know. But this isn't gonna get better. I won't magically become a cis girl at X months HRT. I won't ever be able to get pregnant. My bone structure will never change. I don't honestly think I'll ever pass, even though I naively thought I "started early" in the beginning.

I don't want to go outside again. I don't want to be among cis people, if I don't have to. I hate myself so much...
I have to go outside tomorrow, actually. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. I'll tell her to give me escitalopram instead of bupropion, even at the cost of my libido. I can't do this. I can't go outside without hating myself. My anxiety is through the roof, so is my dysphoria. Nobody should have to live like this. I hate it

Sorry for ranting again. I just feel actually useless. I feel like an object, not even like a person. I'm just...screwed

It would probably have to be this one...
It's from April, so not even 2 months on HRT, and sublingual E at that. My saving grace was the cold, meaning everyone was covered up, which helped my case tremendously.
I was also starting to experiment with makeup at this time, so my skin looks perfect 😂 (not really, but nearly blemishless).
My forehead is hidden, my chin and jaw are hidden...this is just easy mode, I suppose 😅. Anyway, probably the most "passing" picture I have.

Bonus picture of me and my bf (censored for privacy):

Well...sorta 😆
The lady doing it didn't pluck that many. Which means, the difference is quite small and subtle...BUT, up close you can definitely tell something's different! You probably can't even tell from the pictures tho...

Also got to visit my mom and finally told her about SRS in Thailand. She didn't know I was planning Thailand. I didn't tell her, because she was super worried about me getting SRS in general, but she was extremely supportive ♥️

As I was leaving, she gave me a really pretty colorful coat, so that I wouldn't freeze on my way home 😂. And she told me I could keep it! So I got a new, pretty and surprisingly form-fitting coat. Normal coats make me look rectangular and, quite honestly, fat lol, but this one makes me look slim and really nice. You probably can't tell from the picture, but I still like it!

When I got back home tho, I gotta say...wearing the new coat, with my slightly different eyebrows, my slightly frozen face looked really damn cute in the mirror, or at least I thought so. That hasn't happened in a long time 💜

Also...I could just be imagining it, but...my cheeks just seem fatter, but like in a good way? I used to be a literal skeleton pre-HRT, face included, so I think it makes me look at least a little bit healthier, lol

Honestly, successful day. Really glad I got up today 😂🩷

I would like to start off by thanking everyone. Your replies...just wow. I didn't expect literally everyone to reply to my post...
I'd also like to apologize...for doubting you, even though I've very clearly received nothing but support from you all...

I had a really bad spiral. And I said some stuff. I want to apologize to everyone involved...
But I can't leave Lemmy. I can't leave the Transfem community. Not after all of the extremely positive experiences I've had here. Not after I'd met so many kind and supportive people...

This basically means...that you'll have to put up with me for some more. And I'm sorry about that, y'all 😆 /s
But...I'll try. I'll try to be less anxious and more Miisha, if that makes any sense. I'll try to be kinder to everyone and hopefully a bit more helpful. I just...really feel like this is a safe community, a little safe space that I want to be part of. So I'm sorry about what I did. It was wrong and overly dramatic of me.

I'm truly exhausted from crying and burying my head in the Godot game engine for hours at a time. So please...don't go anywhere, okay? I'll reply tomorrow, to all of you, kind people in my phone 🩷
And...thanks for having me here. Really, I mean it. Thanks for creating such a kind, safe and supportive community for us. And thanks for letting me be a part 💜

Bottom left for me please 🙂
I hate myself so much...

This is sooooo me and my bf, omfg 😭
Three times a day, every single day, I ask him this question. And he always replies in the same manner. I wuv him 🩷

I just wanna say to start this off...holy shit, do I look ugly! What happened? Did HRT make me uglier? Did I get even worse at taking pictures? 😭
I know that the small cut from shaving on my chin makes me waaay uglier, but god damn. I'm really, really freaking ugly...this is way worse than I thought. I'll definitely be getting chin, jaw and forehead FFS in the future...

I took a walk yesterday wearing my red sweater that I got from mom upon coming out to her. I didn't think this would work, but I took the advice from @gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone and wore shorts underneath the sweater.
And actually...not bad at all! I was giggling at my own shadow tho, because my sweater was just so damn flowy and it looked kinda funny. But honestly, this might be the most comfortable outfit yet! And it doesn't look the worst either!

Now, ummm, me being me, I made this a bit indecent...meaning I wore nothing underneath the sweater, of course 😆. This, along with the strap from my bag, made my boobs very obvious for anyone who looked closely enough. Thankfully, there were no people around (this was at 12AM). Combined with the cold, my nipples were sticking straight out 😂. Surprisingly tho, the sweater kept me warm, even though I was wearing nothing underneath!
The proof is here for anyone who doesn't believe me...

Thank you, everyone in this community. You've been nothing but kind to everyone posting here. The difference between Lemmy and Reddit is...just wow. Never going back to that place.
Thank you so much 💜. Everyone have a lovely day!
I'm going to go dysphorically cry about my stupid face and ugly body now 😭

This sweater is a gift I got from my mother shortly after coming out to her. It's the only proper oversized one I have. I haven't worn it since switching to injections about 5 months ago, but it's nice to see my boobs finally visible through it 😊
It's really comfy too! Super loose and fun to wear ❤️

Should this be marked NSFW?? I mean, there's a vague nipple-like outline visible. Also, legs I guess. Is that enough for an NSFW tag?

I know this probably isn't how the human body works, but I still find this super funny

This week was...intense, to say the least. Me and my boyfriend had a fight...
I started it. It was completely my fault. Basically I felt like I wasn't getting enough time alone, despite my bf being at work every day. And also the frustration from my sex life basically boiled over...

...and so I said some things. Some nasty things that I didn't mean, things I still regret saying. And then, I basically packed my stuff...and left. I took a train to my dad's house and wanted to take a break from my bf there. My bf agreed and, of course, my dad is always fine with me being over, so it seemed good.
But...as night came, I started to miss him. Not his voice, not his words, not his tool (well, all of those things too 😆)...just him as a person. And of course, E has made me crave touch and affection, so all in all, I felt like absolute shit...crying, hating myself for leaving him, curling up on the couch by myself, a dysphoric little ball of sadness.

And so, the next day, the only thing I could think about was him. I literally could not spend another night by myself, so after talking to him, I came back home to him...
We hugged, we cried together, we both apologized. And, of course, we made up...and out, lol.
I briefly excused myself to go do my thing in the bathroom, and when I came back, we continued kissing...

Running away was the dumbest thing I could have done. I've always been a bit moody, but I think HRT has had some effect on this as well. I think I could describe myself as emotional...probably. And so, sometimes I do stupid things...
I won't be mean to him. I won't run from him. I'm his, I belong to him. Wherever he is, that's where I belong as well ❤️

Relationship drama arc: over 😆

Edit: I may have written this while absolutely horny out of my mind...and it kinda shows 😅
Sorry Lemmy 😭

I swear to god, if I had a penny for every time my bf said some variation of
"You ride me so well, I'm gonna have a heart attack one day 😃 "
I'd be able to afford the surgeries to literally turn my entire face and body cis 😭