How do you tell gender envy from attraction? (beehaw.org)

submitted 1 year ago by Stoneblackdog@beehaw.org to c/lgbtq_plus@beehaw.org

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I am currently on vacation and going to the beach sucks because I see these girls my age and think "Holy shit, I want to look like that." But then I get heavy impostor syndrome. Maybe this is just me being attracted and wanting to be trans, so my brain makes it think it's envious when it's just attracted? So, how do you tell envy from attraction?

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[-] RileyIsBad@beehaw.org 23 points 1 year ago

Why not both?

I'm a transfemme lesbian, and pretty much ever cute girl I see makes me freak out like that. Like, "do I want to be them or be with them?

It's definitely hard to deal with in the beginning, especially if you haven't fully accepted that you're trans. Just to remind you, cis people don't think like that :p

Hope that helps <3

[-] Evergreen5970@beehaw.org 16 points 1 year ago

Cis woman attracted to men here. If I woke up tomorrow looking like the most attractive man I’d ever seen, I would freak out and find a doctor who would help me transition back as soon as possible.

[-] Gaywallet@beehaw.org 11 points 1 year ago

That's totally valid, but I want to point out to people who may be confused that how strongly one feels about gender is a spectrum! I personally don't really care how I look anymore and I never had strong feelings about masc/femme presenting body. For someone like @Stoneblackdog@beehaw.org, they may have difficulty separating envy from attraction because they don't feel strongly about how they currently look, or how they look in general. When I see an aesthetic I like, I almost always am simultaneously attracted to it on multiple dimensions and want to embody it too! I'd love to be able to shapeshift, because then my body could more easily fit how I feel that day, or that I could just explore all the world has to offer.

[-] RileyIsBad@beehaw.org 8 points 1 year ago

If I could shapeshift, I'd be too hot for this universe, hence why I can't shapeshift, and no one can prove otherwise 😤

Also, you put it perfectly! Significantly more coherent than what I was trying to say, but that's what I get for trying to comment something that in-depth whilst on my 15 minute break lmao

[-] MxVivian@beehaw.org 5 points 1 year ago

This is so hilarious to me because I never realized how many cis people undoubtedly feel this way 😂

[-] hoyland@beehaw.org 4 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Though it's worth mentioning that it's crap as an "am I trans" thought experiment. I am long post-medical transition and my reaction is "well that'd be weird, but whatever, I'd get on with life, I suppose" and then I remember I've been there, done that! Somehow transitioning was very much about my body (top surgery was like a switch flipping) and also not about my body.

[-] Evergreen5970@beehaw.org 2 points 1 year ago

Sorry, I thought I was being helpful. Should I delete my comment?

[-] hoyland@beehaw.org 3 points 1 year ago

No, no. The "oh god that'd be terrible" reaction is probably a pretty good indicator one isn't trans (or at least I've never encountered a trans person reporting that pre-transition), it's just that people sometimes assume the "well that'd be odd, but whatever" reaction doesn't exist in people both cis and trans.

[-] pixel@beehaw.org 3 points 1 year ago

Importantly, you recognize the divide in those two things so clearly there is one for you, but if you were questioning it the same way OP is and the divide were less clear accordingly, I'd say that divide wouldn't really matter much

[-] Evergreen5970@beehaw.org 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

I think it would matter if I wanted to figure out whether I was trans or not. For some people it might not be that important to hammer down their gender identity, and nobody should feel an obligation to, but other people might find it personally important to figure out their identity instead of leaving it be as a question mark. I think that OP might be more of the latter kind of person who wants to figure it out.

[-] pixel@beehaw.org 2 points 1 year ago

Yeah I suppose the reading kinda changes based on how far along OP is in their gender journey lol

[-] noddy@beehaw.org 2 points 1 year ago

I have had similar thoughts as well as a cis gay man. Do I find this guy attractive, or do I want to be this guy. It's sometimes hard to tell the difference.

[-] sludge@beehaw.org 13 points 1 year ago

so like its entirely possible for it to both, but, from the way you phrased it as "wanting to be trans" it seems like your questioning things rn? i just want to mention that being trans is an option, you can do that if you want.

[-] elfpie@beehaw.org 12 points 1 year ago

Something that helped me was stop trying to fit into definitions. A word for an identity is very useful to communicate who you are, but starting by figuring out the small parts might be better in the beginning.

How would you like to express yourself to the world? What would make you happy? What do you reppress? What do you find attractive? How many forms of attraction do you perceive?

Question yourself, even when you think you have already found the answer. We change over time, in the sense we understand ourselves better over time, which means our truth is limited by what we know in the various different periods of our life.

You can try journaling. Write about your doubts and the thoughts that go through your head and you might find some patterns along the way.