this post was submitted on 23 Sep 2026
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Am I wrong for being upset that my partner still depends on their ex for anything to do with her cat? (lemmy.ca)
submitted 2 weeks ago by PorkandBeanie@lemmy.ca to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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They lived together for a while after breaking up but my partner moved out 7 months ago, we’ve been seeing each other for 4 months. I think the ex might have been or is a vet tech and I know they also work at/volunteer at an animal shelter. I’m not sure if they went through school or not as I know someone personally who became a vet tech without doing so. My partner is low income and gets free kitty litter from the shelter where their ex works, which I never really had an issue with.

My main issue is that anytime my partner thinks something might be wrong with their cat they immediately text or call their ex. The cat does have some behavioural issues and not too long ago my partner wanted to try medication because the cat seemed stressed. After consulting the ex, they ended up giving my partner gabapentin for the cat because my partner couldn’t afford a visit to the vet. This made me super uncomfortable and I strongly opposed administering medication without vet supervision, eventually my partner did agree to take the cat to the vet as soon as they could. The vet ended up prescribing fluoxetine and said to wean the cat off the gaba over time despite the super low dose he was on.

Most recently while we were away overnight, the cat slipped into the cupboard where kibble is stored and the cat sitter didn’t notice for a while. The next morning while we were still away from home and out at an event, the cat sitter let my partner know the cat wasn’t eating. My partner immediately called their ex for advice and I believe they said that if lethargy accompanied the not eating to take the cat to the vet. When we got home in the evening the cat still wasn’t eating and was seemingly lethargic. It also seemed like he hadn’t made a bowel movement since before he got into the kibble. The next day I wanted to take him to the vet but since my partner really couldn’t afford it, the ex said that if the cat was still lethargic and not eating the next day, to take him to the vet then (which would’ve been two full days without eating). My partner was rightfully very anxious about their cat’s health and ended up calling their ex once or twice that day. That night we managed to get him to eat a little and my partner gave him some fluoxetine. He immediately threw up and we took him to an emergency animal hospital. It turns out he had a bowel obstruction from eating too much kibble and needed an enema. We essentially knew he was likely constipated from too much kibble but every other cause it could’ve been would’ve been much more problematic.

I understand that my partner’s ex is their best resource for free advice when it comes to the cat’s health but everything about this makes me super uncomfortable. Obviously I feel awful for the cat but I also feel like my partner spent more time talking it over with their ex than with me. I’m trying to weigh the ex’s experience with these things against my hurt that my partner followed their advice instead of mine. I believe we should’ve taken the cat to the vet asap despite the money concerns. To be fair to my partner, the bill ended up being thousands of dollars and more than they could afford (I ended up covering a portion and they also borrowed some money from someone else to cover a portion). So I understand wanting to see if it would pass without a vet visit, but I think by that time we were past that point.

I need to know whether my unease about their relationship is justified before bringing this up to my partner as an issue

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[–] wesker@lemmy.sdf.org 7 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

If all I have to go by is this context, then I have no idea what you're concerned about, and I'm glad that the cat has people who care about it.

EDIT: I reread, and the most concerning part might be that the ex isn't giving the soundest advice. But their relationship doesn't raise flags.

[–] How_do_I_computah@lemmy.world 6 points 2 weeks ago

It doesn't sound malicious to me. I can understand where your partner is coming from in that the ex has experience in and is employed in this field. This is just how your ex always dealt with problems with the cat before. The partner seems to be extremely worried about the cat and just doing what they know best.

I think it is probably worth voicing your concerns and expressing how you would like your partner to lean on you instead of their ex but I would also advise patience and wait for a less emotionally charged time to have this conversation so your partner doesn't feel like "I'm messing up with my cat and now I'm messing up with my relationships"

[–] the_q@piefed.social 5 points 2 weeks ago

If their relationship bothers you then it's your responsibility to voice your concern.

[–] fr0g@piefed.social 4 points 2 weeks ago

I need to know whether my unease about their relationship is justified before bringing this up to my partner as an issue

You're allowed to feel uneasy and you're allowed to communicate to your partner that it makes you feel uneasy. But your concerns are still unjustified and ultimately immature imo. His ex seems to have above layperson experience with pets and he talks to her when he has concerns about his cat and clearly he is open about it. That sounds like a perfectly normal, non-romantic relationship for those two to have and the onus should be on you to learn to deal with it and not on him to break up a non-romantic relationship. You don't have to go that journey alone, you can talk with your bf about it, so that you can feel seen and understood to some degree, maybe make some small compromises to make the situation easier and strengthen trust, but it would be unreasonable to ask him to make major changes to appease your insecurity imo.