I've been keeping a journal in multiple ways since 10/2024. Tracking moods and meds with graded scales, but also writing daily.

Until last night, I had NEVER gone back and read any of them. I went back to the beginning and saw a distinct pattern. I wonder now whether I would have suspected that I have BD2 before if I had read the journal sooner. My pattern is seasonal, at least primarily. October, things get dark for me, which lasts until about February, when I am SUUUPER happy and productive. I also have episodes other times, but I can count on at least two each year in spring and fall.

Entries like, "I forgot to journal yesterday because I didn't go to sleep last night. I just spent $650 on a new CPU and motherboard. I think I'm going to buy a brand new GPU for $750 too. I don't need it, but I'm already on a spending spree, so why not?"

Or, "I just went outside and everything is so beautiful, I can't even begin to describe it. I asked (my wife) to join me, but she refused. It's too cold for her. She says I'm being like her when she's hypo. I don't know why she insists on projecting her illness on me." Yeah, that one was kind of a doozy.

Or, "I had a really bad night last night. Suicidal. (Wife) wants me to go to our pDoc.. Well, she thinks I would benefit from a mood stabilizer ...the kind that only people with bipolar take. Take from that what you will. Could I have bipolar? Am I sure that I don't have it?"

And lastly, "[Wife] says I am talking too much and too fast. But I just want to show her how much fun I am having playing the PIANO!!!! I can't believe how far I've come in the past few weeks. I never dreamed that I could be this good at it. My hands know what to do even when my eyes are telling me the hands are wrong. I feel like there's nothing I couldn't play."

It's been really fun (and a little embarrassing) going back through the journal entries. I had no idea I would. It's actually funny that I never even considered going back and reading it. Ha! That's kind of the whole point, isn't it? Well, leave it to me to miss that.