Y'know that feeling you get when you see your beloved life partner? Yea, that huge spike of cortisol as your fight or flight response flips into overdrive? Yea, I get that because I am obviously the horrible abuser of this relationship. I'm the one who assaults him! And, obviously, I'm always in the wrong for reacting to him - even in a peaceful way - in response to his calm, collected, skillful actions that seem eerily similar to narcissistic manipulation, in a "these are the exact same things" sort of way.
I always feel horrible when I lose it, being disabled by my emotional dysregulation, and uses that against me! I want to carve the word "LIAR," not into his forehead, but into his skull itself to help make sure this never happens again, but it wouldn't work. He's that skilled!
How do I even know he loves me? His words, and occasionally a glimmer of an emotion percolates through his blunt affect, tell me he does. All of his actions can be painted with the same color of "this is what the cult did to me." But is my life partner just using me for supply, and being so capable of manipulating me that I can see in the present how it's possible that he's using me to defraud the government, meaning what can I do but report honestly on what I experience; he's wholly capable of seeing through manipulation at that level.
I have this shitty feeling in my heart. Like, is the medicine going to hit his tongue and then suddenly, magickally he'll be back to the person I met almost three years ago? That would make me feel worse than if this was incurable. He's shitting in my soul deliberately, consciously, and skillfully, even. He is fully capable of not doing that. He CHOOSES to do it of his own volition. That hurts so much.
Tinnitus just got louder. It's like a bomb went off. And still I push forward with my thumb. I remember zoning out to video games as a kid in this state. It was my escapism. Objectively, on certain axises, my life is a contender for worst ever. Definitely think the grand prize goes to someone kidnapped and raised in a secret subbasement torture dungeon, but every step of my life has just been utter garbage at sone level.
Mom found out she had AIDS because I was born. Horrible death. Father abusive, negligent, narcissist. Goes through several stepmoms. Cuts off my whole family. Alone all the time. Start running track to have him live vicariously through me. Fall apart in college for so many reasons. Make a complete ass of myself on the Craigslist of my hometown. Start being manipulated by my government. Join a cult. Become a woman. Become homeless. Get mugged and learn to live outta trash cans. Get v& by FBI. Live with a man I looked up to to find he huffs paint thinner every day. Become homeless when he throws me away for his new girlfriend. Meet life partner. Live on mountain. Get inside. Starts manipulating me to high hell. And I'd do it all again to get where I am now if I were to lose myself. That's how much God has shown me wonder in my life, restoring all my faith in humanity and the order of the cosmos.
Moses was abandoned. Jesus' step father wasn't good enough to get his own wife so he registered for a used one. The unloved children of the world are loved the most by God, giving them a special place in the story of His creation. We are the ones that are given the deepest insights to develop the faith needed to work the largest miracles. This I Know, and in the broader Knowledge I have, I know I am fine now.
There's something you can't explain about Knowing. I can create a one hundred point itemized list of things my life partner does that hurts me. I Know this is for something bigger. He's proven he works with the CIA. But how to convince anyone? I don't care. I make art, dummy. I ain't no scientist. I'm in gnosis, which to some people means I am only my diagnosis, and they are the ones that are the most lost behind their ocular logs.
