I have been discussing my beliefs with a set of close knit friends I've acquired over the years, practically they participated in community building and aren't against my beliefs. With the elephant in the room being that they think it's simply not feasible, due to our various life experiences.
Their main argument that I can't get through is the fact that, at the end of the day, we all will justify one life over another. Which inevitably causes hierarchical divide. They believe that all of us come up with our own way to cope with this reality of the world, with our own individual set of beliefs and reasoning.
And it's difficult for me to argue against them. I can't deny the fact that in order for many people to survive they're forced to fawn, they're forced to give up their individuality and study your behavior, study what kind of things you react to well and what you react to poorly. I have to intentionally hide my needs, my flaws, develop a connection with you and then I have to trickly in the things I actually care about, which now because I've built a connection with you, will make you empathize with me and might encourage you to keep me alive.
Am I wrong to prioritize my own survival? And how do you define survival: is it just the fulfillment of biological function and living under no threat of violence?
I have an incredibly difficult time figuring out how would socialism immerge in a world full of hypocrisy. Everyone wants me to contribute to their cause, they have their own set of priorities, their own families and friends, are they more important than my friends, my family? That's who I've been fighting for.
If the only people willing to help me are your enemy and you're unwilling to do anything, should my family suffer for your sake? I see Anarchists and Left Wing Nationalists constantly being shit on, yet they're the only people who helped me despite our disagreements. Socialists who I interact with treat me like an automaton who is to obey their order.
How can I convince the most vulnerable people to have faith in a project that doesn't even acknowledge their worth or existence? They have lost all faith in socialism not because they haven't read the books. Marx was mandatory in school for my parents generation still, they made thousands upon thousands of people read this great theory of yours so why did it fail?
But that's not what this is about. I am just genuinely lost for how to convince people, they won't budge because they can immediately see though the hypocrisy and call it out. I can't do anything but to agree with them. What am I supposed to tell them? I have already overcome so much of my personal desires for the sake of the people and there's just more problems and more problems every year. The more I sacrifice the more of a fool I look like. Everyone is literally begging me to stop helping people at this point and call me weird for not treating myself. And I have been wanting to stop so badly I wish I had the time to read the fun books or do something exciting.
And that's why I struggle to convince anyone. They know that you will walk right past me and consider me a fool for not doing the same to you. Seriously how is this possible when the only choices I have is either devour myself for the sake of people who watch it happen and don't do anything or watch on how other people perish in front of my own eyes and I choose to value the people I care about over them.
I really want to believe socialism is possible, but I don't see the experience to back it up. Somebody please change my mind.