this post was submitted on 21 Mar 2026
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I'm confused, angry at myself and sad to make my wife go through this. (lemmy.zip)
submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by Shirow@lemmy.zip to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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Well, I guess this is going a long post and I'm lost. I'm gonna see a therapist Monday.

Sorry if this post isn't really about transidentity but in a way, it has consequences in it.

So, I've been with my wife for 8 years. Married for 4 years. But yesterday, I said that I love her, yet I'm not sure I'm in love anymore. Not sure if this make sense. And I cried a lot.

I've been dreading this for a while. Thinking maybe it was temporary. And I feel like a piece of shit feeling this way.

I've been supporting her through depression, panics attacks, social anxiety and so on. And her love has always been unconditional she's has been through trauma. And I fought mine was too. I feel like I have been forgetting myself little by little in this story. I was depressed, almost a dropout (stayed in high school 5 years instead of 3, failed 3 years after in different universities) but still trying. At the end I was doing sports instead of going to university at some point to be able to feel better in a unhealthy way. And I guess I never really worked on myself, well I mean with a therapist.

That was before meeting her, after retaking first year studying English language and literature. I helped, and she helped me. Our relationship was a bit messy, we had trouble understanding each other. She wanted to be with me all the time and I needed too much personal space. And I had no clue of her own troubles and so did she.

We've grown fond of each other, she is my first girlfriend and only one. She's been studying in Ireland for a school year before Covid and I've waited for her and visited her there. That's where she was sure she wanted to mary me ( she bought an engagement ring there).

I had always not a great view of mariage since I have seen a dysfunctional mariage exemple : my parents staying with each other because of duty, while her parents are happy with each other now even thought they had hardships (an affair).

Little by little I felt I've sacrificed my needs to help her. And I suppose that what love is about trying to help each other. Be there for the other. I guess I am starting to fail. I have taken a vow and today I feel like I broke it.

I don't know what to think of it.

I'm just selfish? I feel like I've been missing out of so many things I wanted to do but couldn't to be there for her. Then again maybe is it me trying to pin that on our relationship or my lack of communication? I am having an identity crisis? Is this self-sabotage? Do I just want to blame my own problem on our relationship?

Ever since I have transitioned this feeling seems bigger. She accepted it quite quickly and have been a real supporter. "Edit" : i meant for my transition not about the feeling. Didn't caught that before >.<

During yesterday talk, my wife asked me if this was because of the hormones? I hate this argument. To me that can't be the point.

She went back to her parents yesterday for now. We are not "in bad terms" but this is a really hard time.

I have tried so many times to communicate. We've ended up arguing leaving me mostly unable to express myself because I'm having a real trouble to express myself when emotionnal. I would blurt things that would be make things worse because of a poor choice of word. I've always end up feeling like I was selfish and the fact that when she was reproaching me some things would make me cry would make her feel always like the bad guy. We could solve some things but it has always been hard.

I remember her asking me if I really loved her if I was asking for some distance? ( not specific to yesterday)

Don't get me wrong I love her for sure. She is a wonderful person and all I want is her happiness.

Today, I don't know what to think of it and it's hard to describe 8 years in a few sentence especially with just my pov. Do any of you have more insight, some question I can ask myself? Something to think about before my therapy session? Yep, once again it's hard to organise my thoughts when everything is a mess.

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[–] AzuraTheSpellkissed@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Are you okay with sharing an update on your situation?

Personally, I've had good experiences with couples' therapy and taking walks together (either to talk about random stuff, or to talk about our partnership, ourselves). It takes some courage, but being honest with your feelings, your worries and your desires, in other words playing with open cards, can help your partner to understand you better and can help your marriage to grow stronger. Therapy can help especially in case some feelings overwhelm you both and you don't know how to deal with them.

[–] Shirow@lemmy.zip 1 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

I am fine with sharing an update

Well truth be told. My marriage is over. After more therapy session and some talk with friends I realised that I have my feeling had disappeared way before. My mind was stuck with the idea of duty and guilt. I still care about my ex well being and want her to be happy because she's a good person. But I can't be that person anymore. Honestly communication had always been a disfunctional. We tried a lot. I've been forced to do my CO for example. I've been cheated on too. To give you a general idea. Often after a "fight". I was forced to try to clear out everything. It was unbearable for her to wait to talk about it. To not "ok" with each other right away. She is impulsive saddly.

When I cry, I have trouble gathering my thoughts and make sense of everything. In these moments I had to explain everything right away about my feelings. I had to walk on eggshells because the time I told her how I feel, my feelings were invalid because she always found an explanation of why I shouldn't feel this way. Maybe there's some truth in it.

Most of the time I had no one to talk about my worries in my couple.

Well... what confirms me the most that the spark had died is that I felt romantic feeling towards another person recently. I've been shocked too how fast... and felt like a teenager over again. Something I haven't felt in a while.

[–] AzuraTheSpellkissed@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 3 days ago

Thank you for sharing, I can totally relate. I was in a very similar situation a few months ago.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 9 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

I would go to couple's therapy.

Maybe you could work this out and find a path towards a relationship that is fulfilling to both of you, but here are some things I'm hearing:

  • she has been needy and clingy in ways that did not work for you from the beginning of the relationship
  • you seem to struggle with self-esteem issues and lack a strong sense of self and don't impose the necessary boundaries to maintain a healthy relationship
  • your transition might be helping you to develop that sense of self a bit better, and you're waking up to a situation that doesn't (and hasn't) really worked for you, despite a long history and despite plenty of ways to rationalize why you have a duty to stick with it, etc.

So, figure it out - work on getting clarity with yourself what doesn't work for you about the current relationship. Marriage does make it harder to leave, but you can leave, and if that's what needs to happen for your well-being and happiness, it's reasonable to end a relationship (even one that has lasted 8 years). But you don't have to start there, you can always work on the relationship first, which might help give clarity whether ending things is really necessary. (Or you might find you've been holding on far too long and the pressure builds quickly, but even realizing that is helpful, too. You shouldn't ignore your needs, or dismiss them as selfish.)

I will say, transition is a big change and your situation is not uncommon - a lot of us settle for partners that are less than ideal due to a lack of a sense of self, a need to live vicariously through a woman, and low self-esteem. And probably most of us lose our partner when we transition (or we just don't transition, for our partner's comfort), so in terms of trans experiences, what you're experiencing is not crazy but rather common.

I don't think this is self-sabotage or any kind of failure on your part - instead it's the opposite, you're developing a sense of self and it's helping you re-evaluate a relationship that has maybe never really fully worked for you.

That's stuff worth exploring both in personal and in couple's therapy.

Much luck to you - remember you are not a broken or bad person, and you deserve to be happy and healthy.

[–] GooseGang@beehaw.org 5 points 1 month ago

It sounds like you’re trying to put your own oxygen mask on first. Perfectly valid.

[–] autriyo@feddit.org 1 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Lots of thoughts on this, but text is a really difficult medium to convey them, for me at least.

I think I've been/am in a similar situation, and honestly, it's not easy. Idk even know what to write my thoughts are a mess too.

Usually this stuff takes time, and I often had to relearn things, both of these things are very frustrating... Communication is key though, and super hard, especially when emotions get involved.

It helps to keep in mind that emotions aren't rational and we don't choose them, so don't blame anyone. And needing distance is a very reasonable thing. I don't think it discounts your love, but it can be very hard to give space when you miss someone terribly.

What I also had to relearn a lot is:

I can't solely be responsible for someone else's wellbeing.

I can help ofc, but I won't be able to if I disregard my own needs while trying to do so.

That's my unorganized 2 cents :D

edit: also best of luck for both of you.