this post was submitted on 25 Oct 2025
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Relationship Advice

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Breakup: I love you but im not in love with you (lemmy.world)
submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by TwoBeeSan@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
12 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Hello all

My (27m) ex (29f) broke up we with me out of the blue saying she doesn't love me how I love her. That I deserve someone who does. Never felt forced doing anything but cannot pinpoint when feeling left.

Had been together 8 months. Went on a vacation at 5 months that was incredible. Had come off a date on Wednesday that she said she loved before she got an Uber home. We were planning the next.

She had come over with the intention to stay and calm down/do homework then had a panic attack until confessing her feeling.

She was crying more than I was. Said she was following the feeling. Agreed you have to do that. But she was adamant it wasn't a specific thing and nothing could change.

Her last relationship was incredibly abusive. I am pretty much the opposite. People think I'm gay. She was the first person I had ever felt drawn towards romantically. First ever asked out instead of falling into the relationship. First ever explore sexuality with where it didn't feel forced.

I had always tried best to communicate any and all feeling. Or issues. She said I was an incredible human being and deserves someone who loved me the same way. But she wasn't in love with me despite loving me. I Didn't do anything. Nothing specific. She just knew I wasn't it.

Talking every day to cold turkey. Communicating every step of the way to make sure each of us weren't being clingy. we both werent that way but it felt natural to be it.

The only thing she managed to muster was ' I don't want to smoke weed and eat candy '. (Additional context: she did dabs I smoked bong hits. Prior and during. upbringing has told her it is bad. It makes her stop and feel. )

The expectations and goals she has for herself made any childish escapism feel like a waste of time. But at the same time she always felt like she was at the point of a panic attack. Like she needed to slow down and relax and take a breath. Incredibly busy. Depressive. Anxious. PTSD recovering. She always goes goes goes.

Incompatible.

Curious if anyone has had a similar experience. It feels like being robbed. I know better than to reach out first. She still has things to pick up. Its just so shocking. Her cars still in the driveway.

I know it's impossible to understand the nuances of a relationship from biased perspective, but I am wanting to hear others experiences.

Hopefully it'll ground me from this very odd shattering im having now. Can't help but feel I got constanzaed. "It's not you it's me."

Appreciate you all and your advice.

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[–] ALilOff@lemmy.world 21 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I may give bad advice.

But from her perspective based on how you’re telling it, I think she feels she needs to work on herself a bit more.

Don’t force it. Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time.

I was in an abusive relationship for like 2 years, but that was like 4 years ago, it took me a long time to get over it.

I’ve had other relationships since then but it’s hard to love another when you don’t love yourself.

I say stay in touch and stick along with her journey if that’s the good decision, or if it’s meant to be y’all would reconnect. Just don’t force it as this is a relationship is not a one way road but a two lane.

[–] TwoBeeSan@lemmy.world 8 points 1 month ago

Thank you.

She was 2 years out from hers. Saying she'd be single forever. Until I broke her brain for the bit I did.

Through tears she was saying there was no one else. "Check my phone" Again the trauma of her of being hurt that way prior.

She had had a bad flashback the other night from it. Shaken.

Ill never know what it's like to live with abuse. I appreciate that perspective immensely and want anyone who went through that to get exactly what they need.

Thank you again. And I love your preface lol.

[–] Zomg@piefed.world 6 points 1 month ago

I feel like I'm going through something similar. Someone who has PTSD, ADHD, and prior sexual abuse.

I love her to death, I want to support, be there to help her, but it's hard for her to commit to things, or be in the moment when it's important to me. It's hard for her to focus on and complete things before starting new things in relationship goals, and other things.

Reading your post made me think of my own relationship.

I would give her time to be with herself, I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear, but it's what's best for her. Give her time, and leave the door open for her if that's something you'd be up for in some point in time.

[–] reddit_sux@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Give her space maybe she will come back maybe she won't. If you can, because it is hard to stay with someone who doesn't have the same feeling as you, stay with her as a friend.

Hearing your side of the story it feels like she has to undertake serious work on herself to get out of her abusive ex and start being normal. And a good relationship feels too good to be true.

Self sabotage, PTSD will be common for a few years and she might spiral out without significant trigger forever.

[–] TwoBeeSan@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

She's really great. If it has to be that way, so be it. Just want her to excel.

You saying self sabotage reminded me of the book club book she picked for us next month.

"The mountain is you"

She never let herself enjoy books they were always self help. But it makes sense.

I appreciate your response.

[–] reddit_sux@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Her choice of book does indicate she wishes to get a feeling of self worth. Be with her maybe it will motivate her seeing that she has someone on whom she can rely on to be with her even when going does go bad.

[–] TwoBeeSan@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

Ended up taking a break. She said she needed time.

Left door open for her.

She thought she'd be somewhere else by now. Struggles with self love and said out loud she needs to reevaluate.

Hard but what is best for her now. Can't force anything.

[–] JigglySackles@lemmy.world 4 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Sounds like she has a lot to work through on her end with a wisr and patient therapist. Maybe one specializing in abuse and self love. I think the most you can do is be kind and respectful. But seems you are already.

I'm sure this hurts more than you let on. No matter how good a relationship seems though, both people have to want to be in it. I've been in a few relationships. And one where I was the one left wondering what was wrong. I am glad now that that one ended as things are better now. But it still hurts at times if I think on it 15+ years later. That may never leave. And you may never fully get her side. It's just going to hurt until it doesn't as much is my experience. Sorry you are going through this man. Good luck and be well.

[–] TwoBeeSan@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Oh it fucking sucked. She ended up calling tonight saying it's self sabotage.

We're gonna talk more face to face tomorrow. Hopeful. Everyone has to heal in their own way.

She made it clear she still loves me. Now if she'll know she's worth it? The time thing.

I appreciate your response. Thank you for the well wishes.

[–] JigglySackles@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

Sure thing and I hope you guys can find a solution that is healthy for you both. Being a good partner sometimes means toughing it out being the support your partner needs while they heal and become whole again. And sometimes what's best means going separate ways. It's difficult, but you'll be ok with time.

[–] alternategait@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

...

[–] Onomatopoeia@lemmy.cafe 1 points 1 month ago

Someone breaks up with you just move on. It's best for your own peace of mind: "That's over, next".