a version of !kindnesskommunity@feddit.cl that more people can access, since some people can’t seem to see feddit.cl communities. this one is primarily english-speaking but all language speakers can use this.
In “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”, the first few chapters talk about a man’s desire to fix problems and a woman’s desire to talk about problems. I don’t wanna step into the minefield of modern gender politics, but I do think in general this advice has helped me be a better boyfriend/partner.
So maybe less explaining why people are the way they are, and more “I hear you, that really sucks and I’m sorry they are being so rude”.
Thank you!! This is helpful, I’ll try this 🙏
That's definitely been my (m) experience with my wife. Only one data point doesn't make a trend, I know. When she's irritated or anxious, she rarely wants me to try to solve the problem.
I saw a meme of a chat convo with one partner complaining about something and the other responding "are we in the venting phase or are we solution oriented?" (Paraphrasing due to bad memory.)
I've started asking that (more nicely) and it has been great for our relationship. She accepts the annoyance of my asking, and I respect her answer. Only when/if she says "and now you can give me suggestions" do I indulge.
I'm also reminded of the "it's not about the nail" sketch. https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg
I agree with the other comments. Sometimes, people are more inclined to want to fix things like you, while your girlfriend just wants to talk. I saw you said you would try this, which is good, but try empathizing with her and just listening to what she has to say. “I’m so sorry, that sounds horrible!” would even work.
I get trying not to pick a fight, but your gf might also feel like you're being dismissive, which likely sucks for her.
Sometimes, even if you can't do anything about it, it's nice having someone that acknowledges you.
thank you, how can I not be dismissive?
First, acknowledge how she feels and show her you empathize.
Thank you!
not your intention, but it could be taken as dismissive because it could seem like you’re “excusing” the behavior instead of reasoning with your girlfriend.
Yes, maybe they had a bad day, they should still be able to control their anger.
It’s important to be kind, but it’s also necessary to set boundaries.
I try to be kind to everyone but I’m also awful at boundaries, like I still used to stay with people who bullied me but now I’m better. I just like peace, I don’t want my gf to be upset at anyone.
Thank you 🙏
I just like peace, I don't want my gf to be upset at anyone.
You can't control that, but if you could you still shouldn't as it's abusive behaviour to try to control other's behaviour and emotions. Instead understand that sometimes people are going to be upset and work from there in supporting them, try to understand why they are upset and don't let it scare you into controlling, dismissing or minimising other's emotions. Instead listen to them without saying "Maybe they just" etc and if you can try to see things from their perspective, or at least sympathise with them that what they experienced wasn't nice itself, and they should not have had to go through that.
Thank you 🫂 I’ll try this
Sure, we are happy to help!