Asklemmy

I was causing most of my own problems by having too many expectations that weren’t actually necessary

I realized at about 20 that I can really hurt people by trying to whitewash reality and sweep the bad away.

I also have a hard time making friends and then maintaining those relationships. Would like to get better, but apparently not enough to actually do so? We'll see. Life is searching.

That I come from a highly dysfunctional family and my entire personality is a reaction to them. I knew they were dysfunctional but I was in denial about their impact. Connecting with my true self had been a bitch.

I'm a bitter, angry, mfer and I need to chill out sometimes

I gotta spend less time on lemmy

I need to get a grip when driving and not let others upset me so easily.

I've started noticing that I'm echoing some of the bad habits of my father, either behaviorally or genetically, I'm not sure which. I'm determined to never go down that path because I've seen what it's done to our family. I've made some changes that will hopefully head that off. If those don't help, there's always professional help.

Still, depressing to realize.

The realization of how truely alone I am when everything started collapsing after our house was sold and how my parents who supposedly were suppose to love me, don't love me and how I do have daddy issues because of this and I am not exactly as strong mentally as I thought of myself to be.

That I actually do have a bad temper and do get angry very easily, that my anger does not justify my verbal/physical reactions (nor was I 'right' just because I was angry) and that these reactions will hurt those I care about/those I don't care about but still didn't deserve my violence, which is a surefire way to end up in jail (perhaps) and in Hell (more likely).

For everyone who has similar issues, try to remember two things:

1. Ambiguous behaviour does not mean aggressive behaviour.
2. The flesh is weak. If you, in your anger, start a fight and perhaps just push someone and they crack their head and die/lose function, you'll never live it down, you will always be the guy who killed someone in anger (and not even righteous anger, you're just temperamental). And it can happen very quickly too! A good man cannot live with that, only a hell-bound one can, so either you'll be oppressed by your guilt or you'll realize you've lost your humanity and you're a full on psycho.

I dissociate and fawn pretty much constantly in most social situations. I do not feel in control. What most people know me as is a bunch of trauma responses. I feel like I'm watching myself have conversations and making "decisions" from another room.

It took me a long time to admit this to myself.

I cannot sing.

My ADD is far worse than I thought and I should have noticed that decades ago.

That life is truly a neverending struggle. Sure, you get to enjoy some of that struggle, and you can take a break every now and then. Nevertheless, the only time you're truly free from it is when you're dead.

No, I don't plan to end it immaturely. Please don't put me on suicide watch. I still have my people to take care of. 😅

For me, it was “saying no doesn’t make me a bad person.” I was raised around extremely Christian people who emphasized that you should be there for everyone, even at the expense of self.

The problem is, people eventually take advantage of you. Also, when you finally say “no” to them, they act as though you’re a terrible person.

Intelligence and depression go hand-in-hand. Thank God for drugs.

Anxiety and taking care of others before I take care of myself.

I once had an Excedrin get stuck in my throat sideways. That was a pretty uncomfortable several hours of my life.