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When someone is venting, am I supposed to say something?
(lemmy.blahaj.zone)
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this post was submitted on 06 Jul 2023
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No Stupid Questions
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No such thing. Ask away!
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You should react, at least lol. But you need to consider that most folks aren’t looking for advice. Rather, they need a validation of their experience.
Better to say “Wow, that really sucks” or “That’s crazy!”.
Maybe ask a followup question the to show that you’re listening, “well, what happened after?” or “what are going to do next?” End with “Thanks for sharing that with me, I know it’s not easy”.
Do not say, “you should try X or Y” unless they explicitly ask.
It’s a weird concept for me, cause when my wife vents - I hear a problem and I want to offer solutions. But I gotta fight that instinct.
I'm curious how much of that is instinct vs. cultural programming. I used to be the same way. My partner would tell me about something that has aggravated her during her day and my first instinct was to think of ways to fix whatever it was and not just listen and be supportive. But that's the exact opposite as the conversations I might have with my buddy would go. When he tells me about a problem, I just listen and if he pauses for a verbal response, I ask him how he handled it, not give him advice on how I would handle it.
So is that a primal bias or a cultural one? Does it come from some sort of deep genetic behavioral coding that we much protect our female mate? I'm certainly not able to answer that with any authority, but my gut says it's learned behavior. I've since let go of that desire to fix. And for me, it's much more satisfying to always listen as support and learning without seeing it as a task. That's the default. I don't even think about a solution unless I'm specifically asked.
Yeah.
Helping when someone has a problem is a predisposition among all people. How we help - whether it’s active listening or task assistance is the question. Whether those tendencies are genetics or learned behavior is anyone’s guess. All I know is that it’s observable behavior. Enough to make a few silly standup comedy bits over.
Learning to not fix every problem is one of the most counterintuitive things a dude can do to better their relationships. 🤷