First of all, you don't look bad. You just haven't found your look yet. I am not dismissing your current stress and dissatisfaction with your look. I am telling you that your current look and your opinions about your looks in the future will all evolve. Everything about you will evolve and only get better and better. You WILL evolve into an amazing look and level of confidence that you are finally happy with that passes all the tests. You will.

I suspect you are your own worst critic, which means you are normal. No one knows how to beat you up better than you do. You know where all the buttons are. So, it's extremely important that you don't beat yourself up. It's not at all a fair fight. You will lose every time.

Your standards are high. But they aren't impossibly high, despite your current perspective on this. During this part of your transition, which will take muuuch longer than you want it to, you will look in the mirror and insist you can't be a girl because you don't "look" like a girl. In this moment, stop and recognize that the issue has always been that you are a girl and the outside doesn't yet look right. This. Takes. Time. It takes more time than anything else in life. You aren't done yet. Being a new person takes a lot of time and it WILL happen. The evolution won't stop until you are satisfied with your look, and your voice, and your expressions, and everything else that you might judge yourself on. All the tiny changes here and there that you may not even be aware of add up over time.

Stop fucking drinking. It will wreck your ability to be nice to yourself. It destroys your ability to be patient and thoughtful and introspective and constructive. You need all of these things right now. You don't need the alcohol. Alcohol leads to self-destruction. You can fuck with that again AFTER you are happy with your look and after you are happy with yourself. Alcohol is deadly as fuck in your first years on HRT. Deadly. Stop it right now. If you need to party, consider THC, or shopping or a greased-up nude fight club or anything other than alcohol. Alcohol only leads to death. Stop it.

You are worth this. You may not know it yet, but you will. I promise you will. You can do this. Everyone around you knows you can, except you. Make a rule to treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend in the world if they were experiencing this transition. Follow that rule and never break it (and forgive yourself when you do). You will succeed. I promise you will.