I have always disliked seeing myself on video because I thought I looked weird, which made me feel uncomfortable. I couldn’t figure out what it was, so I would ask others about it. Some people would agree that I was a little different and say that I had my own style, while others would disagree and argue that I looked “fine”. Of course, a few would state that many people do not like to see themselves on camera regardless. I just went with the latter with a little bit of having my own style sprinkled in there.

Earlier this week, I saw a ~25 mins video interview of me that was recorded last year on some pretty heavily emotional topics regarding certain experiences I had a while ago. The purpose of the video was to document my experiences for sharing with others, while for me personally, it was to leave a record. I didn’t really want to watch it because of what I shared in the previous paragraph and because of the emotional intensity of the topic, but a few friends encouraged me to watch it. This was the first time I saw myself on video since diagnosis, so I had a new perspective to consider, and…

Wow! It’s really obvious I’m on some sort of spectrum, especially to anyone with personal experiences with other autistic people. This cracked me up because I remember being really worried before my autism assessment that I was going to pass as an NT. After seeing that video, there is no way I could pass as an NT to an expert evaluator. I both (1) focus on details that most people wouldn’t and (2) speak on beat and with more pauses.

As far as details, I noticed that I shared more deeply how things physically and emotionally felt. Rather than use a specific word for an emotion, I would describe the physical sensations and give similes. When describing physical feelings, I would use more detail than most people. I also seem to choose to focus on the details of experiences that most people would not, yet omit details of some experiences that most people would. It’s like we have a different process for choosing what to elaborate on, or the sensations we experience are so different, that the details we think are worth sharing are from different experiences.

As far as my verbal rhythm, I want to take you on a preparatory tangent first. I have two favorite artists that I’ve been listening to for the past 1.5 years. One has openly stated in his songs that he was diagnosed with autism as a kid. Regarding the other, I have strong suspicions of him being autistic just because of the topics of his songs, the details he goes into, and his rhythmic pattern. He has come out as diagnosed with ADHD, btw. Moving on, earlier this week, I was listening to Eminem a lot. While listening, I noticed that he has a rhythmic style, particular details that he focuses on, and has verses that increase in intensity in a manner that musically expresses how I feel. I also noticed that it was pretty similar to my two other favorite musicians that do the same thing. It’s almost like they get so worked up, that they explode by sharing a lot of contradictions, injustices, and hypocrisy that’s driving them mad. So, I thought that I should look up Eminem and autism. Guess what?! He ~~was diagnosed with~~ heavily implies he's been diagnosed with the old Asperger’s (yum!). Anyway, having said that, I noticed that while watching the video of my interview, I speak in a similar rhythm. I definitely speak on time as if I was following a metronome, while I notice that most people are pretty fluid and don’t start each word on a beat. Yet, even if I extend the length of a word to emphasize it, I will extend it to the next beat. I will also take mid-statement pauses to ensure I use the correct word I am feeling. This makes it look like my speech is discrete, while the general population’s speech is continuous.

There’s something with my facial expressions as well. I can’t figure out what exactly, but my best working guess is that it’s almost like my facial expressions are more focused on the specific message/word I’m stating in that moment, while NTs tend to use facial expressions that are for their entire statement. It also seems like some of my expressions are planned and decided, not a natural thing that is just coming out as a result of my emotional state.

The last thing I noticed was my eye movement and focus. NTs tend to focus on major objects and stay there. When they look at people, they look like they’re reading a book. They use their eyes to express emotion as well. On the other hand, my eyes were quite different. When it’s obvious that I’m thinking, either my eyes seem like they’re temporarily shut off and I am not seeing anything, or they mimic me looking through my brain as if I were rapidly searching the shelves of a warehouse. Lastly, my eyes tend to not focus on what I’m engaged with, but with things off to the side. I maybe looked at the camera 3-4 times over 25 mins, and that was at the beginning to introduce myself and the end to terminate.

Lessons learned

I didn’t need to be worried that they would say I wasn’t autistic at my autism assessment. It’s pretty freaking obvious. I remember that part way through my assessment, the psychologist looked like she was just following the protocol but had made a decision pretty early on that I was definitely autistic. Take that into consideration if you’re worried about your upcoming autism assessment.

NTs that have personal experience with autistic people probably see it pretty quickly. Even though I believe I’m “high functioning”, it’s not subtle if they know what to look for, especially if I am engaged in social interaction. They may not say it, but a lot of people probably see it more than I had imagined.

Please share your thoughts and experiences! We can make this a discussion about self-awareness and learning more about ourselves and others.