The Onion

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The Onion

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Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk (theonion.com)

submitted 3 weeks ago by jballs@sh.itjust.works to c/theonion@midwest.social

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NEW YORK—Insisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link, a report released Tuesday found that you will be fired for reading this headline about Charlie Kirk. “Shortly after you navigated to this article, your IP address was logged and your supervisor approved the decision to remove you from your position,” the report read in part, revealing that the choice had been made after a brief conversation among your superiors in which it was repeatedly emphasized that your behavior in loading this page and spending nearly two minutes reading its content about the late Turning Point USA co-founder was an action inappropriate for the moment.

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[–] jballs@sh.itjust.works 19 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

The report concluded that if you shared this article with a friend or family member, you should prepare yourself to be arrested on domestic terrorism charges.

Welp, it's been nice knowing you all.

[–] yukichigai@kbin.earth 5 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Speak for yourself. I need to be drunk to tolerate any of you.

[–] jballs@sh.itjust.works 2 points 3 weeks ago

Fuck you. Fuck you. You're cool. Fuck you. I'm out!

[–] grranibal@lemmy.zip 4 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Nah bro don’t worry, I’ll tell police that you were with me playing Wii at the time this was posted, it is obvious that you didn’t share this article

[–] jballs@sh.itjust.works 5 points 3 weeks ago

Appreciate you. I actually hooked up my old Wii to my TV a few weeks ago and it's still as good as ever!