I’ve been off work in April. I’d been struggling to do anything, even the simplest of tasks and eventually everything ground to a halt. It’s usually pretty bad during winter times, but some years it’s particularly horrible. I was diagnosed initially as Bipolar Type 2 as the issue seemed to be a cycle of long downs and ups. Then I got an ADHD diagnosis and the medication helped with the ‘brain fog’. But it didn’t solve everything. After awhile the task initiation problem always reappears. My doctors often say it’s depression and increase the anti-depressant medication I’m on. Sometimes you get a temporary bump in activity a few weeks later but it never really goes away for good.
A recent trip to the northern summer where my symptoms mostly alleviated suggested it’s likely a co-morbidity between Seasonal Affective Disorder and ADHD. I’ve started light therapy which is helping a little, but I still feel stuck.
The attached image is my ‘model’ for how I function. Currently, at the start of Spring, I feel the same as I did late April when I left work. This makes sense accordingly to the model. But it feels like the uptake in energy during the summer is masking this task initiation problem rather than being a ‘cure’ for it. Every time the energy dips below normal it reveals how much I’m struggling.
I’m sick of this. I just want to go back to work. Summers are great – I go running, eat healthy, get creative, fix up the house. Every other season is rubbish.
This is more of a rant than anything else, but any advice would be appreciated. Other than saying ‘just start small and do the task’ that is. I’ve been given that advice way too many times to no effect.
Thank you, I really appreciate this post. I think it makes a lot of sense historically to be highly energetic during the summer months and slow in the winter. Summers were harvest season, and you needed to work at a high capacity to ensure everything was ready for winter. In winter however, you had to go to ground and rest. If you maintained that same array of energy while cooped up indoors it would have been relentless for everyone else around. It's possible that we need to rest because of the high energy swings too (as in we seasonally 'burn out'), which, like some studies suggest, if you treat SAD as an extension of Bipolar makes sense - it's often noted that the 'lows' of bipolar are as intense as the 'highs' during mania and are likely in response to that.
The anarchist in me agrees with you thoroughly. It's not possible to be energetic and productive all the time like the modern world requires. This being said, it's hard seeing other people go running, keep a clean house, progress their careers etc. like it's nothing. Not saying they don't work hard or it isn't difficult, its more they seem to have the strength to get over the hurdles of resistance.
I take Vitamin D supplements, but I think it might only be giving me a 2% boost at most (if at all). While there's some studies that say it's a cooperative agent for improving SAD, others seem to say it has no affect. As far as I'm concerned it can't hurt to take them however, and a potential 2% boost is better than nothing.
I had a tough night sleep last night, my worst for awhile, but my wife got me moving this morning and with some kind words it helped me feel a little better. I think just taking the time to find the fixes that work is important. I'm frustrated, but you're right, I do have to be kind to myself and wait until it all comes together.
In terms of not struggling, the goal is just to rise above the simple tasks. If I can't do those, I can't work, let alone function. It will get better with the seasonal change, but I think I need a more permanent fix. I suspect that it'll be a medication change, as it doesn't seem to respond to therapy, and the seasonal change just seems to reveal and mask the problem, like the tide going out revealing rocks on the shore. There was a post here a month back about the switch from Vyvanse to Adderall improved task initiation dramatically, which they hypothesised was due to the differing chemical make up increasing Norepinephrine release. Adderall is sadly not available in my country however, and my doctors seem reluctant to switch me over from Ritalin to an alternative (which might be wise? Who knows.) I'm not sure if there's anything that affects Norepinephrine like Adderall thats not also amphetamine based either. Its for my psychiatrist to figure out however, I can only make suggestions.
But yeah, it'll take time. I just have to go through the process until we find the solution.