Hi
I'm struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I'm constantly in shutdown, and I can't even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I'm stressed, I stop expressing anything.
I also seem to forget anything that's even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.
Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.
Even when I'm by myself, I can't seem to express any feelings, as If i'm trying to hide for myself.
And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I've been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i'm hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i'm getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.
Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don't have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.
I may suggest a meditation practice, you may like Pema Chodron's book, welcoming the unwelcomed. It's pretty much exactly about coming to acceptance with whatever is unpleasant. There are a lot of meditation practices and books on not ignoring whatever is bad or stressful but just taking your mind and taking a step back from it, becoming just the aspect of yourself that is observing. I think you may have some luck with that because it seems as of now your mind is so deeply and closely involved with this bad feeling or that one that it fully shuts down.
Meditation is weird for me. It's actually quite easy for me to sit down to meditate. I'm currently doing it twice per day for 1 hour each time.
I try to be mindful of my breath, but often I can't feel anything. And I also rarely find myself thinking about things, my mind is just blank. What I notice mostly is physical discomfort, but it's also very subtle.
Somehow I've still found it helpful though. But for some reason I'm curious to experience racing thoughts or worries that people often seem to experience during meditation. Seems more interesting than numbness and emptiness.
Meditation is a very general word like music. Music can be heavy metal or classical orchestra or reggae. There isn't really one singular meditation, although the common feature is taking a moment to focus on something. So trying one form and it having mixed results can be like listening to one band or one genre and saying you don't really like music.
That is I suggest exploring a little, particularly if you've already seen some positive results. Some find it better mixed with yogic practices, some in groups, some solo, others find it better guided, some prefer meditation focused on this or that subject and so on. For example there's laughing yoga in which people focus on laughing, it's a lot of fun in a group. There's even dream yoga or what's known as lucid dreaming.
All that said it is helpful to build a strong foundation of acceptance and forgiveness. Expect nothing, accept everything as it is in that moment. It seems like somewhere in your mind there is a very tight grip or holding and I think you'll be able to loosen it and find acceptance in what happens when that tight grip is let go.
I may also suggest acupuncture with a good practitioner, like western doctors or any doctor they're not all equally skilled. For some they find it very useful in moving things around after a few sessions. Particularly the thing choking you from speaking sounds like a classic plum pit qi condition.
Thank you for suggesting that, I honestly don't try many things, partially because of financial reasons, but also because I often have the experience that things don't make any difference.
Maybe it's because I just can't feel the difference. But perhaps also because I should get more specific, directed help. And it can be difficult to find people who focus on my specific issues.
Just today I tried following a metta meditation from a monk giving discourses nearby. And this was the first time that it kinda clicked. Normally I don't notice any feeling. But this time I did. So that gives me a bit of hope.
I'm not sure of your location but acupuncturists do indeed take patients on pro bono from time to time and in my home town there was an acupuncture school. No offense but your condition would probably be seen as something very interesting or intriguing for someone to treat. Not your average runny nose so to speak.
Now on to mediation, It's quite a deep and involved world with its own practitioners at different levels of understanding and skills not unlike the world of music.. There's the person learning their first instrument and there is Eddie Van Halen and Yo-Yo Ma so to speak.
Many find breath work good as it really engages the body in a release aka somatic healing. There's sound bath meditation, Yin yoga, Hatha, Ashtanga, Kundalini and so on. I personally see yoga as a mixture of exercise, meditation, and spiritual practice and different forms have different levels of those three.
If for instance you really engage with group mindfulness meditation then something like your local Buddhist temple may be a good fit. Personally I would envision this like a journey and exploration to new and foreign lands but lands of experience and understandings.
As for money, it is unfortunately a barrier to some things but there's also means without money. I've donated massage (since it's one of my main skills) for other treatment. I've donated my time, as in volunteer work and so on. In this world there's a lot of people not so concerned by money, but more so the fair exchange of energy as well as practitioners who indeed donate their time and skills for charity to the world.