Hi
I'm struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I'm constantly in shutdown, and I can't even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I'm stressed, I stop expressing anything.
I also seem to forget anything that's even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.
Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.
Even when I'm by myself, I can't seem to express any feelings, as If i'm trying to hide for myself.
And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I've been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i'm hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i'm getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.
Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don't have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.
I'm not sure of your location but acupuncturists do indeed take patients on pro bono from time to time and in my home town there was an acupuncture school. No offense but your condition would probably be seen as something very interesting or intriguing for someone to treat. Not your average runny nose so to speak.
Now on to mediation, It's quite a deep and involved world with its own practitioners at different levels of understanding and skills not unlike the world of music.. There's the person learning their first instrument and there is Eddie Van Halen and Yo-Yo Ma so to speak.
Many find breath work good as it really engages the body in a release aka somatic healing. There's sound bath meditation, Yin yoga, Hatha, Ashtanga, Kundalini and so on. I personally see yoga as a mixture of exercise, meditation, and spiritual practice and different forms have different levels of those three.
If for instance you really engage with group mindfulness meditation then something like your local Buddhist temple may be a good fit. Personally I would envision this like a journey and exploration to new and foreign lands but lands of experience and understandings.
As for money, it is unfortunately a barrier to some things but there's also means without money. I've donated massage (since it's one of my main skills) for other treatment. I've donated my time, as in volunteer work and so on. In this world there's a lot of people not so concerned by money, but more so the fair exchange of energy as well as practitioners who indeed donate their time and skills for charity to the world.