this post was submitted on 26 Jun 2026
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online dating is such hell.
why do people accept a match but then they're not really interested in you so you try to carry on a practically one-sided conversation until they stop responding at all? just don't match me to begin with!
It's hard because I'll be carrying a one sided conversation and on the third one-word answer I'll be the one who never responds. Which, as an empathetic person, makes me feel like a jerk but what am I supposed to do? The conversation has basically been over since we started talking.
you have to have empathy for yourself, or you will go insane. the correct move is to not play or further interact with someone who isn't reciprocating your efforts, because if you continue to do that, that will be the entire relationship, if one does develop. and you will end up in a relationship where you are miserable, constantly having to prove yourself to someone who doesn't really give a shit about you other than when you are putting 120% into things.
because they aren't interested.
matches and convos aren't interest. real dates are, and even then not really. even if you may behave that way, doesn't mean other people are.
most folks are bored and passively hoping that magic will happen with minimal effort from themselves. they are essentially playing the lottery and wondering why they don't win. they expect the other person do to all the work for them because they are 'worth it'.
and statistically the majority of interest on apps goes to the minority of the users who are flooded for choice, most folks on apps get nothing.
Because there's too many people and first visual impression is really important and easy to start with.
Probably.
It's not perfect. Maybe we could have multiple matching phases that have to get through? I dunno. It really depends on the app and location and demographics.
I do think that first visual impression is important to me, as shallow as that may be. But I also know that that severely unbalances things compared to real life dating. Or maybe it just lets people be more deeply honest? I'm sepio and nearly demi because of that, but also highly visually/physically driven. So, to be efficient, I do pics first and depending on app, match based on that. Then, if it's a mutual, read or read more of the profile, and try to have a conversation to see if there's anybody home and check for chemistry. If there's no chemistry or it's too stupid, I'm out.
But, unlike most people, I try to actually let people down.
But on, uh, other apps where there's no matching and only taps, the entire first part of that doesn't happen. If there's no pic, skip. If the pic is busted, skip. If the pic is even decent, I'll read the profile and what they said. And if that all feels good so far, start a convo. But if I've messaged them at all and I've decided against, I do try to let them know, so they don't keep hoping. I've been on the other side of this, and it is shit. I only ever block people when they need to be.
But all this said, there still needs to be a better way that serves EVERYBODY better, not just the most conventionally attractive people. Like, social competition is fine, but it's out of control. Maybe they can implement a feature that protects privacy and from stalking while also balances things out a bit, while also not algorithmically categorizing people and allows freedom and autonomy and self-respect (like not algorithmically "downgrading" people or classing people).
Honestly, this type of stuff is pretty important, and if you have ideas, society at large would be happy to have them, as long as it doesn't make the world worse than it already is.