I few weeks ago, I wrote ( https://piefed.blahaj.zone/c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world/p/768289/seeking-advice-on-breaking-isolation ) that I am having problems with loneliness, both as a cause for and as an effect of my depression. In a later post ( https://piefed.blahaj.zone/c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world/p/778598/continued-post-i-took-your-advice ), I went on saying that I had taken your advice and asked a person out for a cup of coffee. Today, I met with that person. This is that story. *Law and Order sound*
We met at a rather quiet café where there were not too many people, but also not as few as to make any silence in our conversation awkward. I had been so nervous about this meetup, since I had no idea what to expect, no idea what they were expecting and no idea what is "supposed" to happen at a meeting like this. If a perceivably cisman asks a perceivably ciswoman out for coffee, is the only possible interpretation that it is a date with the purpose of finding a potential romantic partner? Or is it okay to just meet and talk to a person to have a nice, cozy chat about a topic that we both can relate to? My anxious thoughts were, and still are to some extent, endless.
As they turn up - I had arrived early in order to secure a table - they are perceivably nervous, but not awkwardly so. I am probably also the same. We order food and coffee and we talk for two and a half hours about our experiences living abroad and about life in general. We could've kept talking if they hadn't noticed the time and said that they had an appointment at a beauty parlor. I made them company half way, since I was going in the same direction. As we said goodbye, they thanked me for the chat and said "let's keep in touch". Twice they said so.
As Pam in the US version of The Office said, "it wasn't a love connection". My thoughts right now:
- I am immensely proud, that after six years of depression and isolation, I asked out and met with a person whom I didn't previously know. Maybe I'm not the worthless piece of shit that my depressed brain usually tells me I am.
- I am satisfied as it is and I don't feel - at the moment - that I need or want anything more from this "relationship".
- I just cannot let go of the anxiety of not being able to decipher what the double "let's keep in touch" means. Their words felt somewhat awkward. Is that a nice way of saying, "this was a great chat, let's leave it at that" or what?
- I am a little bit sad. I have no idea why. The chat was great. I had a great time. Maybe the sadness is induced by the anxiety from point 3 above? Or maybe I'm just emotionally exhausted? Or maybe I'm blaming myself for the fact that their "let's keep in touch" felt awkard?
- WHAT ARE THE SOCIAL EXPECTATIONS/OBLIGATIONS HERE. HELP. T_T
In any case, I again would like to express my thanks to this amazing community that inspired me to go out of my comfort zone and try talking to people. Have a great day! ❤️
Aww, thanks!