Privacy

Yeah, but it's worse than that. Some people don't even know they were raped. Some people, think you not raping them is worse than raping them. For some being enthusiastic consent happens at the moment of the act, but then is revoked retroactively due to guilt and shame.

Rape and SA don't really have very clear cut and obvious cases, esp from the victim or the perpetuator's POV. It's easy to judge it from an external POV, naturally. But it's VERY gray. I have had so many sexual encounters that were so messy, including encounters where there was no sex, and the other party accused me SA for not raping them, because in their twisted mentality, my lack of overbearing sexual desire was somehow insulting and painful for them. Literally, I had a woman over, she was falling over drunk, so I put her to sleep on my couch, and the next morning she sent me a flurry of texts about how I had SA her and violated her by not sleeping with her and she was going to post my info all over the internet and make sure I was punished for being a good person because how DARE I not take advantage of her what is wrong with me, I must be gay, etc.

I didn't have sex with her because she barely conscious and it would be rape. And yet, her mind, I was still an evil-doing bad guy because it hurt her feelings for me to not rape her while she was semi-conscious. I can't say for certain, but I suspect his woman was clearly a previous victim of sexual abuse. I've also had similar encounters with women in the case of physical abuse, where the encounter was "be a man and hit me to prove to me you care."

Peoples mentalities around sex are not cut and dry. They are incredibly messy and fraught. Lots of people pressure other people into sex, or feel compelled to have sex because they know the relationship can't progress or be secured without it. When I first started dating, I quickly learned that most women expected me to be sexually aggressive ASAP and if I asking them for sex, I wasn't interested. So had to learn to fake an interest just so I had more opportunity to continue to see them. Lots of dates think I am a pussy if I don't try to force myself on them.

I've also had so many other encounters where people lectured me on safe sex, consent, etc. but then when we were in the sexual act, they demanded I sleep with them without a condom, and then retroactively decided that doing so was wrong/bad. Or, that I was a pussy for wanting to use a condom. Some of those encounters also result in physical/sexual assault on myself by the woman. I've also had horrible sexual encounters that I hated, where the other party thought it was AMAZING and vice versa.

I mean really, there is no 'solution' unless you're going to have some neutral third party observing all sexual relations between people. People themselves are not capable of that. They have zero objectivity about themselves the vast majority of the time and they their narrative in the heat of the moment is VERY different than it is before or after that moment. You can be VERY clear ahead of time about what you want and your boundaries... but that in no way means the other person cares or listens or they don't change those desires/boundaries during the act.

Not to mention that some people are very bitter when faced with rejection and will retroactively change the entire relationship's story post-breakup. During the relationship you are charming and wonderful and compassionate, but post-breakup you're a manipulative evil person who seduced and took advantage of them...

What is the solution to any of that? You require some sort of psychological assessment or licensing before you are allowed to give consent?

I don't think there is any 'solution.' I just think shitty people are shitty and it has nothing to do with culture. And shitty people will victimize others and make themselves out to be the victims, because yes, like you said, they are 'good people' and they can never do anything wrong. They are sex-positive and open minded and perfect! They could never assault anyone!