A few weeks after my 16th birthday, I made a new friend at my new school, Steve. Within months we'd become best friends and basically inseparable. Just platonic friends but we did everything together, went to music festivals, had our first foreign holiday together, took drugs together, shared our favourite books, had discussions long into the night, shared our secrets and problems that we'd never tell anyone else. Went through all kinds of difficulties and hardships and loss side by side. He was my best friend for nearly a decade, and at age 25 we finally lost touch. He moved to another city and my health took a turn for the worse. One day it was just the last time we saw each other and now it's been 17 years.
Those 17 years haven't been good for me, with my worsening health, having to give up work and socialising, and just losing all hope of ever having anything worthwhile. But I often thought of Steve and everything we'd shared.
Today i was googling people I'd known and I found a social media page for Steve. He's now married with two kids. It seems crazy to me that this whole time I've been sitting here rotting alone he's been living his best life. He and his wife and kids all look so happy in their pictures. All the photos are of them happily goofing around together with all their friends and family, going on holidays and living life. And I am happy for him, he was always a great friend and decent person who deserves to be happy but it just highlighted to me how empty and pointless my life is. 17 years have passed and what has changed for me? Just everything getting worse.
It's also crazy to me that after such a long and close friendship i didn't even know he was married, much less being invited to the wedding. So strange how you can be such close friends with someone for so long and not even be at their wedding. I was not well enough to go anyway but the not even being invited does hurt.
I don't really know what I hope to achieve with this rant other than I have literally no-one else to talk to, and it's hard and embarrassing living such a pathetic life when everyone I've ever known turned out to be "normal" while I'm now a weird loner shut in who can't even eat without begging for handouts, who never goes anywhere other than hospital appointments and hasn't spoken to anyone face to face other than hospital staff, benefit assessors and shop assistants for 17 years.
EDIT: I'm still creepily stalking Steve's social media and I can't believe this. He now works as a work coach for the DWP - one of those people who makes benefits claimants lives a misery by slave-driving them into unsuitable employment and sanctioning them (stopping their benefits) as punishment. I never thought he'd do a job like this, he used to be a real man of the people, now he's on the opposing side. He always used to want to be an engineer. I wonder what happened.
i don’t have any words of comfort or appeals that it will get better. i will look for a piracy site for outlander the show. there is nothing i can prescribe you to say “Things Will Improve Massively!”
sucks you two drifted apart. the idea everyone has different ‘paces’ in life has never soothed me. there’s only been the Best course of action for that specific person. you got sick and you resent that and it changed what your course was and it stopped you from doing many many things. you’re right. i’m sorry you have to deal with that, that it impedes your function and your mental state. steve being ‘ahead’ is still unfair. i’m sorry you’re in these straits. i’m sorry you have to do things like begfor things that should literally just be there, available. i’m sorry you have to deal with the shitty health system.
sorry. i dont know if any of this helps, you know your life better than anyone here. what you described in all your comments just makes me angry for you and misfortune. as long as we can help you with Something concrete and material rather than the emotional toll/symptoms/product of a bigger problem
what would, if not making you happy, would alleviate some of this immediate anger and misery? i mean apart from me shrinking into your body and fighting your sickness. which i would really want to do. the show you want to watch? food you like? what would you want someone to say? this is a sincere question. what do you believe would give you even an increment of happiness? i would like to try to see what we could do.
also steve being a dick is like. Thats dickhead behavior. i can sort of be like, well im glad hes happy, and sometimes ppl do drift apart, but for one again it does suck u werent able to keep up w hik and also that his job is stupid
also. u briefly talked about ur assault. i dont know what sorry means, and i doubt itd help, but i hope whatever justice exists, whether it means theyre removed from this mortal coil or something else, arrives. i dont believe in a specific means of justice being the best in absolutely every scenario. so if its punitive? Sure. damn them
it’s not a pathetic life though i understand entirely the feeling of indignity the world has put you in or anger at yourself for being sick in the first place,even though like, cognitively, it’s nobody’s fault. i don’t know. i’m glad you posted here if you were looking for some sort of comfort or company or socialization, your situation is lonely and i’m sorry. i will really really look for that show on piracy sites if u cant afford it.