Mental Health

"Hyper-Independence" is not a problem. Free association is important and strong Independence protects that.

I know there are negative psychological elements to seeking it. For instance, asking for help makes me feel a sense of debt even when people insist I owe them nothing for it. So I generally dislike asking for help because I despise debt. Its like a grain of sand in my brain that makes me want to give up.

The only time I ask for help is when I realize if I don't I will experience catastrophe without it or the damage of not asking for help will cause more regret than even any debt, imagined or real. And when it comes to that I feel self loathing as I feel like I'm taking advantage of people's generosity. And to some degree: that's true. I'll be a lot nicer to someone who's helping me if my well being depends on that help. I'll hesitate to say what I really think or believe.

Having autism, I don't want to have to follow societal social expectations either. So the more leverage I have the more I can say no or fuck off if something is just expected of people normally suddenly applies to me. Financial leverage seems like my only avenue to freedom from that nonsense. I cannot rely on allistics, and even if they come through I'll be chained down by their social expectations of behavior. Its one of the reasons I reject full collectivist ideologies, and prefer Mutualism/Market Socialism. Mutualism is the farthest left you can go while still featuring a market, and that way I don't have to navigate soft social rules to get stuff or feel guilt for getting it. The market exchange makes things fair and clean in my mind. I can say fuck off I have the money, give me what I need for it and leave me alone if I so desire and I know I'll be able to do so again in the future. There's no pressure to conform.

In a fully collectivist economy, if I separate myself from people I'd risk being viewed as unfit for the collective's well being or some shit would would have to put up with interventions into how I personally live. Maybe be told its for my own good, or be told that its only fair. I couldn't handle that kind of vulnerability so I'd have to work hard to pretend to fit in which I already know is exhausting. It'd be miserable.

People can say all they want "You don't have to try and fit in" and they're full of shit. Collectivists, communists, and "full" socialists might not realize it, but they'd subtly and unconsciously alienate or separate themselves from people like myself if I fully embraced who I am openly without masking. Or they'd insist on dictating to me how I need to do things.

I want to be free of debt (mental or real) and free of social bounds I view as stupid. I view a lot of taboos and social bounds as meaningless gibberish protecting people from things that are fundamentally harmless. I have to navigate that shit for survival, and I want to minimize that as much as possible.