Quite frankly I'm just at a loss at this point. Been on the therapy and meds journey for almost a year now, and did the whole exercise shebang consistently for like 2 years. I was doing cardio for an hour every 1-2 days.
I am getting quite disillusioned and don't understand what I'm even doing anymore. I'm getting so caught up in various things that I'm just confused as all hell. Every time I think I figure something out, I end up so wrong it's almost like it's not even funny.
I have intense reactions to rejection. I have extreme and intense negative emotions that persist for many hours and days after a trigger and they are very painful and difficult to deal with and can impair functioning. I have a lot of social anxiety, which I did not think contributed much to this. But now I'm wondering if I have a pattern of social anxiety --> extreme rejection sensitivity --> extreme emotional dysregulation.
I have been on escitalopram (Lexapro), then lamotrigine (Lamictal), and now quetiapine (Seroquel). I do not have ADHD. I do not have bipolar disorder. I don't even have persistent depression. I have periodic extreme episodes that cause a lot of distress and can cause functional impairment like how my work threatened to fire me. I also have intense shame and self-hatred, often babbling to my online friends nonsense about how I'm a "demon" when I get this way. I am also totally normal 90% of the time. It's only the remaining 10% that causes the struggle.
People always tell me to "go to therapy". I am. I have seen multiple therapists and have been consistent with this one since the fall. People tell me I don't put enough work. I am. People tell me I am not honest enough to my providers. I am. People tell me try a different therapist. I have tried many (I stick with my main one for continuity and so that I don't have to keep rehashing my backstory).
At this point I feel like I don't know what is down and what is up. I no longer understand what my problem is anymore. Every time I think I figure out what my issue is, every time I think I figure out a technique to help me, I'm wrong.
I'm starting to think that this is who I am. It is unchangeable. I experience a lot of pain and sensitivity where others don't. I wish that wasn't the case, but I think it can't be changed.
Idk where do I go from here, friends? Thank you to those who have read my entire rant lmao.
Look, i've had almost the same experiencie over the years, and now I've investigating the possibility of being in the spectrum. What I tought I was learning while growing UP seems to be masking mecanism.
Maybe try to look UP how undiagnosed adults on the spectrum behaves and ser if It rings a Bell.
Funny you should say that because my therapist suggested maybe I get tested for neurodivergence. That maybe something like that is why they have difficulty helping me.
Some questions for you:
What made you start thinking of that for yourself? What is it that you noticed within you?
How would being diagnosed as on the spectrum help your treatment? I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm legitimately asking in earnest. It's not like there's a pill for autism or anything after all!
See the thing is that I really don't at all fit autistic traits.
I have absolutely zero sensory sensitivity (unless very very occasionally being overwhelmed with crowds counts...but not super often).
I am generally a dispassionate person without any real interests. Only thing is I can obsess over negative things, getting the right "formula" for social interactions at work, and right now I obsess over mental health things lol. I have been incessantly chatting with multiple AI models for extended periods of time each day for the past idk how many months now lol. But I don't know that I did that prior. Most of my obsessions are social anxiety related, not autism special interests.
I am very good at eye contact when I am comfortable. I only have difficulties when I am upset or very socially anxious, which is how neurotypicals are too. I used to have a hard time as a child when my social anxiety was much more severe.
I am very very good at reading body language, facial expressions, etc. It is second nature to me and does not require any extra mental effort or focus. I am not at all drained by it and am instead energized by most social interactions (unless I am in places where my social anxiety is turned on)! As a pre teen and teen, I actually did struggle a LOT with learning and understanding nonverbal social cues. But I think that was being a slow learner combined with severe social anxiety. I don't at all see it as masking because it's unconscious now and not draining.
I don't stim. Many people fidget when bored or focused and I do stuff like that too, but not as a self soothing thing like that. For example I fidget at work but not elsewhere. I don't have to consciously "surpress" it. I just flat out don't need to do it anywhere else.
Sorry for being so long winded lol. I guess that's just how I post on Lemmy.
It is called spectrum for a reason, you don't need to fit them all, and could have manageable levels in some of them, but having to compensate in others. As you therapist said, and undiagnosed neurodivergency could be a reason the therapy poor results, It is like they aré following a script that wont work on u.
Well best of luck on your journey, man.