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Crowley, and some Zionist Kabbalist (the one who declared antizionists as the erev rav, "mixed multitude" that must be converted or "weeded out") helped me resolve the contradiction. I mainly see it more akin to Crowley, with a lot of help from Don Milo Duquette, and Carl Jung's archetypes (I know!) but this is a personal interest that has spanned several decades, but I really only got to the actual meat of the matter the last few years. You can compare the kabbalism tree of life and listen to some of those podcasts, for a shortcut. I've also listened to a lot of Manly Palmer Hall along the way. Like most religions or philosophy, it doesn't require belief, merely the suspension of disbelief. I've also listened/read some unsavory websites and podcasts to learn a little bit of Torah, so there's that. And I've mostly enjoyed it, once I got over closing the reading material or podcast as soon as vile supremacist garbage appeared. I know myself and I know what I will and won't accept, and I'm working on bettering myself. But I also think it's good to ponder dangerous ideas and learn how to refute them. That doesn't mean mindless consumption, as much as pausing and reflecting. But that doesn't mean endless consumption, either, same as doomscrolling, eating, drinking, or anything else.