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I don't know that I loved my dad (beehaw.org)

submitted 3 days ago by Powderhorn@beehaw.org to c/chat@beehaw.org

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Quick backstory: He died Nov. 14.

I keep trying to feel something -- anything -- and yet my mind tends to wander to my ex-wife for that.

I very vaguely remember times where we'd have fun, as with me riding on his shoulders, but the final year Oma came for Christmas, all of that was gone.

A friend and I had split a beer several months back (I think we were 11) when my parents went out for the night and got us pizza.

As 11-year-olds are, we stupidly did not dispose of the evidence. My parents being reasonable people, the punishment was "don't ever do this again."

So it is against this backdrop that I'm sitting in my room, and my dad bursts in, furious. In my face like he'd never been before, and I was frozen in shock and confusion. I'd not done anything.

Over the course of the next half hour, the picture becomes clear: Oma had opened a beer thinking it was a V8.

What I never got was an apology. He knew damn fucking well that he'd falsely accused me and scared me, but apologizing was apparently too much.

There were nearly 35 years for that apology. It just didn't happen.

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[–] Vespair@lemmy.zip 2 points 3 days ago (2 children)

I think it might be worthwhile to reflect on the fact that your parents were not just parents, but also human beings themselves. We tend to hold our parents to standards we would never hold our friends. Imagine one of your friends wronged you in such a way; would you hold this bitterness the same? Or would you extend them the benefit of the doubt and understand that in that moment they were not their best, and it probably wasn't about you at all?

[–] TehPers@beehaw.org 2 points 3 days ago

If it were a systemic issue and they had massive control over my life, I would wish them only the worst. Speaking from experience, of course.

After moving out, once they were out of my life for the most part, that dulled into indifference.

[–] Powderhorn@beehaw.org 1 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

If one of my friends pulled what my dad did, we would no longer be friends. Simple as that.

Look, if you want to throw the door open and shout at me for shit I didn't do, I should at least be getting laid (my ex may have been a bit violent and delusional).

[–] Vespair@lemmy.zip 2 points 2 days ago

Then you know where your standards are and apply them evenly, that's perfectly valid. Cheers. ✌