Ukraine

Gandalv on Xitter:

In a surprise statement that left diplomats choking on their coffee, Ursula von der Leyen reportedly announced that the EU is “open” to recognizing Alaska as Russian territory if it helps settle the whole Crimea thing once and for all. “Look, the Americans barely use the place except for reality TV and bears,” she allegedly said, shrugging as if she were trading Pokémon cards and not chunks of sovereign land.

According to sources, she concluded by noting that “this is how grownups negotiate,” before pointing out that if Trump can hand out Europe like party favors, she might as well join the fun.

The Kremlin was said to be “deeply intrigued,” mostly because they hadn’t even asked for Alaska yet, but appreciated the enthusiasm. Washington, on the other hand, responded with its usual composure.

Experts agree the whole episode highlights the new era of diplomatic innovation, where global leaders spontaneously auction off territories they don’t own in exchange for ones they also don’t own, all in the noble pursuit of “peace” or at least a quieter news cycle .