So some context, my gf (I guess currently ex..) and I had been dating for ~8 months prior to Nov 8th, where we had a difficult "conversion" (Mostly me sobbing) about her needing to figure herself out in being polyamorous. This is the second time this happened, though the first time was very short lived and didnt result in anything being learned really.
I would consider myself mono, but I'm not opposed to trying new things. If it means I can stay with her I am willing to try anything, especially since our bond is insanely tight. Im the first person she felt the breakup conversation should happen in person and she was sobbing right along with me, though with a bit more control of her language.
I really don't know what to expect, as I just sent the message saying I'd be willing to try it once we go over our boundaries and recover from this whole thing (Shes likely at work, so I dont expect a response for a few hours). Anyone who has some insight it would be really appreciated to share.
I'm really scared, since its hard for me to find people in town that I bond with this closely. I need that physical bond, online relationships just dont work for me. I guess as a silver lining, me crying this much is a sign the hrt is starting to take some effect ๐
-Nikki
If you are interested in becoming poly I would recommend that you read the required books (Polysecure, The Ethical Slut, etc.) to begin with. They should give you a background as you continue to at least think about this process. I also always recommend Dan Savage podcast and columns for all relationships problems. Especailly for queer people or poly people because he is both and rarely is that the case.
I saw that couples therapists was recommend which I also agree with. That being said if you needing couples therapy after only dating 8 months is kind of a bad sign. Needing couples therapy very early usually means that you should just call it over because you have some insurmountable differences. However, it wouldn't be crazy to give this a try. We are all conditioned to be Mono only and it might be worthwhile to try it. It might be a terrible failure but you might learn a lot in the process. It might be a great success and this is the start of your story. Give it a try especially if you don't have a lot of people nearby. This might not last forever (it also might) but that doesn't mean it wasn't worthwhile.
thank you for the resources. the reason i am open to the idea of couples therapy isnt due to any issue in our relationship, shes truly the easiest person to work things out with that ive ever met. its mainly to explore how trying a poly relationship would affect us and how to navigate things, coming from someone with 0 experience in that area. more of a way to gather info than to fix a problem i guess, as its nice to talk to someone about it rather than just reading/listening
your input is very appreciated, thank you
I agree that a couples therapist to talk about the transition is a great idea. I was just saying that as a general rule if you have some difference that needs a couples counsel early you might not be a good fit. But for a specific timeline and to talk through a mono to poly experience is a great idea. You can also better define what kind of ENM you want to do. Open vs poly etc.
i understand. for now my focus is just getting my foot in the door and trying anything to see how my gut feels about the whole thing, from there ill make sure to keep all that in mind moving forward. thank you
Best of luck
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