So...idk, i guess I'm in a dilemma right now.
I made a previous post about a year ago I think, talking about how I might have adhd. Nowadays I'm pretty sure about that [I never got diagnosed though, that'll be explained shortly]. Recently I've had a couple stress related issues, including a full on mental breakdown, and decided to look around to see if there was something wrong with me Moreso than just being dysphoric and having adhd.
I think...I think I might have BPD too. I just...on the one hand, I'd like to know if my mood swings, anger issues, fear of abandonment, and identity crisises have an explanation beyond just "I suck and I'm the worst." But at the same time...I don't know if I even should get diagnosed for anything.
If I want to medically transition, bam, mental health disqualification/stonewalling
If I want to immigrate, bam, disqualified
And what does that even mean for me ideologically? Adhd is one thing, but I know how people see people with BPD. And I mean, what if thats why I'm a communist? If I was normal would I be something else?
I hate it. I hate not knowing who I am. I like to think i make decisions logically. But I don't. I'm this fucking bundle of chemicals constantly ready to explode.
And then what about medication? If I do get diagnosed do I want to medicate myself? But that's going to change me. I don't want to be changed by pharmaceuticals. I don't even drink coffee because I don't like things fucking with the chemistry in my head. But it's for the best if I don't end up hurting myself and others, right? But this is me. This is all I've known. I can't conceptualize myself without my hyperactivity, my fear of abandonment, my identity issues. I don't want the bad parts of those, but I also want the good parts. If I get medicated then am I just going to be some guy? A guy who just goes to work, comes home, focuses on stuff and who's brain is quiet? That's a functional human being. Maybe that'd be a better person than what I am. But that's not me. I want to be me...
Humans are communal. Pack animals. So it feels so alienating to have traits people hate. That's probably why I became a communist too. And at times I feel like I'm trying to fight for people who hate me. Is that what I'm supposed to tell LGBT people at Burkina, for example? To fight for people who legally persecute them? It's the right call, the enemy is the west. But it's demoralizing when the good guys hate you, makes you feel like education and acceptance is a long ways away. I'm also trans and I think I have ADHD and BPD as well. And I'm never sure if I could even hold a job. Makes me feel I was born way too early, like I belong in the future. Maybe ask yourself, do you have friends here? Are you friends with those who similarly struggle with BPD? Perhaps you would never have met them if not for that. It's a fucked up thing to think about, oppression bringing people together who would otherwise never meet, whose reason for meeting is dependant on oppression that should never have happened. Like how many good people are descended from bad parents or from genociders. We're all byproducts of bad shit. But we're here, in this time and place. I'm happy I have my friends and can look at the world from the perspective of the "useless trash".