askchapo

I don't have an official diagnosis but I wouldn't be surprised if I could get diagnosed with some mild form of autism. I have been diagnosed officially with ADHD which I understand to have a significant comorbidity with autism as well as with avoidant personality disorder which also sounds like it has something in common with autism. Anyways, a lot of the experiences I hear autistic people talk about resonate with me.

In one way, this is just the way I am. Yes, I focus intensely on things that interest me. Yes, I don't give a fuck about social drama. Yes, I am more reserved than most people in social situations and they do seem to ture me more than most people. Yes, I'm really bothered by some noises and textures. Yes, I am absolutely allergic to bullshit and hypocrisy. That's not a disability — at least it shouldn't be — that's just how some people are. People are different, that shouldn't be pathologised.

But on the other side, this is certainly disabling in practical terms. A lot of the things that sucks and has sucked in my life can be active to me being a bit different. I would have fared a lot better in a kinder, more rational society but even then many things would have been harder to me than to must people. Most of the time growing up I was asking myself "why can't I just be normal?" and to a large extent I still do. Feeling like I'm standing outside looking in seems to be an existential precondition for me and that is a very lonely and frustrating position to be in. Struggling with social interactions doesn't mean they're not important to me and being unable to form and maintain them at a "normal" extent has been a constant source of misery for me as long as I can remember.