Autism

Woke up today thinking I have all the skills to make and fix e-bikes and that is likely a good leverage point to start to escape my isolation and push myself incrementally.

I was feeling really good after like 3 weeks of being able to push myself hard with new meds. Then the ideas of wtf I am going to do with myself were overwhelming. Like a person can't bottle helpless isolation for 11+ years and then just flip that switch like I'm fine now.

So yeah, a few dark days hit me. Waking up to the idea of messing with e-bikes was a win. I just need to finish my hot air rework station and set up my bedroom electronics lab properly again.

I don't really lock in though. All my best ideas and epiphanies happen at random when I'm doing other stuff. If feels like a dozen unrelated threads are always running in the back of my head and one or two might be closer to the front. When I try to force the timeline or creativity, I usually run in circles and get nowhere. Give me a few days to mull something over and I will distil the issues unlike anyone else. I think I'm just really dumb because I don't understand things like most people. Like I do see the logic and can go through the motions, but all most people appear to do is memorize bits and pieces of information. I want to fundamentally understand the subject at a useful and flexible level. I don't value theory like I do applications. I can still do theory, but only when I ground it in a useful application. I place no value on memorization independent of application. I cannot keep those things in long term memory for very long. Six months later, I forget it all. My lock is that I mull over stuff in the background for weeks at a time like I'm always working on them in bits and pieces of thought. Still to this day I question even saying that out loud. Like it seems so basal that everyone should be doing the same. It is fundamental to me. The older I get the more I question that assumption.