I know it's nobody's fault but my own that I'm disgusting trash. I know it's unreasonable and unrealistic to expect anyone to like me. I don't know what is so wrong with me. I understand I'm ugly, poor, stupid, annoying, and so on. My physical attributes are underwhelming at best.
People simply do not see me in a romantic way. I do my best to avoid being a creep. I know sometimes just being looked at by someone like me is offensive. I try to never say anything that would ever make anyone uncomfortable. I read online about how to act or not act so people like you. I greet everyone by name, I ask how they are, I'm compassionate and empathetic. I'm not a man although I'm supposed to be. I wish I could take hormones and actually be a man, but they say my testosterone is fine. I'm not tough and my beard grows sporadically.
I can't change the things that are wrong. I'm overweight but only slightly, and I only looked worse when I went lower. I'll never get taller and I'll always be "short" at 5'9". Fundamentally my personality is flawed. I mean, besides being ugly I'm also an extremely mediocre person. My hobbies and interests are all cringe embarrassments. Things are worse if I like them. Everything I do is wrong. I've never made the right decisions and I'm not successful.
Everyone else is more important than me. Everyone else matters. They deserve compassion and understanding but I do not. I hate everything about myself and have for a long time. I hate myself in the past and the future. I never suffer enough. I'm never miserable enough. I should have just done better. I remember my first mistakes began in kindergarten and only ever snowballed from there.
I try not to have unrealistic expectations. I don't expect anyone who isn't also flawed to like me. I'm not trying to date models. I just want to be okay existing and be accepted by regular normal people. Everyone is always dating or having intimate relations. All the worlds an orgy, but I'm not invited.
I guess all of that to say, I accept that I am an ugly loser, I accept I'm not good enough, but how do I cope with that? What's the point of life when I'll be excluded from so much of it?
And please, I know I should just be different, but I'm not. I wish my parents had killed me at birth. I don't understand why they didn't. If I could be a different person I would. If I could inhabit another body, I would. So telling me to just stop being so horrible, when every day I try my hardest not to be, won't help. I'm already as nice, forgiving, understanding, as I can figure out how to be. I try to carefully answer. I try to say the right thing, the most helpful and ideologically correct statement.
Also no this is not AI, I'm just a psycho. This comic caused me legitimate psychological damage.
I am fully prepared to die during the revolution. I would die today if it would help advance our cause.
I'm going to give you some advice that is probably bad, but it worked for me. What other people think of you doesn't matter. It never will. You're already a hell of a lot better than all the fascists in 99% of the liberals in the world I'm sure. But whoever you want to be, make sure you go to bed each night with the knowledge that you did your best to be that person.
Before I became a communist, I genuinely considered myself the villain of my own story (I am capeshit pilled). I was cowardly, manipulative, and kind of a dick. Even when I tried to be a better person, I would fall back to that, especially in times of stress. Finally I had enough, and I said to myself if I don't want to feel this way it's not enough to want to be better, to pantomime being this nebulous 'better' person that ultimately just made excuses for shittiness. I wanted to go to bed at night, knowing I did my best, and I was good person.
I wanted to be a hero. So I became one.
It started with checking my privilege, which gave me a solid base of understanding of why some things went well for me inexplicably (privilege) and why some things didn't go well when I expected them to (privilege didn't help me). This was a real ego destroying experience. After that it became setting rules for myself. First thing was no more lying. Then being vigilant for other people needing help. Finally always offering to help, any way I can.
Nowadays it's so second nature to me that I probably look like a weirdo with how much I offer to carry stuff for people or try to be helpful when I see someone struggling. And sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I accidentally hurt feelings, sometimes I let my cowardice get to me. But another big part of this is that I can't treat myself any differently than I would treat someone else. Which means I need to forgive myself the same I would forgive anyone else. But that's who I want to be, and if you really don't like who you are, then that's what you need to do.