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One Mother’s Day, I got up really early - I was like 7-8. I decided to do the laundry and dishes as my “Mother’s Day present.” I spent probably 4 or so hours, cleaning.
When my mother woke up, she complained that I hadn’t folded the clothes correctly.
She also had me diagnosed with childhood schizophrenia and medicated for telling on her when she was getting too stoned to remember to pick me up from school.
I really wanted to be a parent myself someday, and it’s never going to happen. I’ll probably drink a few beers and get stoned after work.
You may consider becoming part of the Big Brother/Big Sisters club (if in the US). That way you can be a good presence in their life without having to commit to parenting 24/7. Bigs are not replacement parents, but rather someone to be a good friend to the child/Little, spending one on one time with them, being a good role model in their lives, and giving them/guiding them through new experiences with a trusted and safe adult. My understanding is that all the Littles in the program have lost one or more of their parents. Anyway, it's something to consider being part of if you ever want to scratch that itch.
Sorry your Mom wasn't good to you. I'm glad you still have the kindness and willingness to be better than those that came before. I wish you a wonderfully cold beverage, strong greens, and a beautiful sunset this evening.