So, over the weekend, my wife and I went back to visit our families for Easter (even though neither of us observe).
I’m not out to my family yet and still present very masculine, although the changes I’ve made to feminize were definitely being commented on quite a bit (painted nails, shaved legs, ear piercings, short facial hair (that I wish I could shave entirely)). So I was feeling a bit insecure. And I was cuddling with my wife and was trying to be cute and get reassurance at the same time, asking like “would you love me no matter what?” Because my wife and I have an ongoing joke that we would only stop loving each other if one of us becomes a Nazi (which, obviously, neither would ever do). But then at one point she said, “…or if you were a girl!”
And I was/am just devastated. She realized as soon as she said it how badly she fucked up, and she apologized profusely. She said she was just joking and it was her autism not doing her favors with social dynamics, but damn, it’s just been echoing in my brain ever since. Like, why would she even have that thought, let alone say it out loud? That’s my single greatest fear related to transitioning - losing the people I love, especially my wife.
But it started a whole conversation about how we’re both feeling with everything that’s happened over the past few months since my egg cracked. And it was some good, some less good.
She’s been really supportive of the nonbinary aspect of my identity, and with stuff like trying girl clothes, but it’s starting to feel more to me that she’s not as supportive as she thinks she is. Like, once again she said “I think he/they makes sense for you, in my mind”. Which, to me, feels like it’s not her place to try to tell me what I’m allowed to identify myself as? Because I put that in the context of her being pretty opposed to me going on HRT or getting surgeries (HRT is something I want soonish, surgeries I’m more ambivalent about right now). Like, anything permanent, she doesn’t want me to pursue, and she says she would have a much harder time with.
Part of it is because we want to have kids, and her best friend just had a baby, and her sister is pregnant, so that’s on her mind, and I am obviously a bit preoccupied with other things. And when it comes to doing cryo storage and IUI, I’m fine with that! I feel like plenty of cis couples get medical help like that, and as long as the fertilized egg ends up in a uterus, great! My wife seems adamant that she wants to conceive “naturally” though, and says she doesn’t want me to start HRT until we’re done having kids.
I don’t want to wait another 5 years of aging with testosterone in my body. Not only would that be 5 years of dealing with a male body and all the dysphoria that entails, it would also mean being 5 years of progress feminizing that I’d be missing out on. I would like to lose some weight before I start HRT, but that’s more of a 6-12 month timetable, in my mind.
I obviously don’t want to lose my marriage. That is the absolute last thing I want. My wife is my best friend, and I felt like since she’s bisexual, she wouldn’t have as hard a time with this. My transition is really important to me, and I feel like I’m finally living for myself and not suppressing and tailoring myself to make other people happy. And I’m not prepared to give that up. And I recognize that I might be pushing things fast, and maybe I should slow down for her sake?
I don’t know, it’s just been a really difficult and overwhelming few days. Any advice or thoughts are welcome, because I’m at a bit of a loss for answers here, and I don’t have therapy for another two weeks.
I'm not sure I can offer any advice, but I can attempt to describe my situation and maybe that will help.
I'm 40 MTF and started transitioning last summer as soon as my egg cracked; on hormones for about 8 months now. I've been married (to a woman) for a bit over 15 years and we have a daughter who is 13. As others have described I was becoming increasingly disengaged over time (and obese, alcoholic, and pretty unpleasant) and to be honest was probably not too many years away from leaving the world altogether. As a result, relations with my wife have been strained (and definitely not intimate) to say the least,
When I came out, my wife was unsurprised ("you've always had that kind of an air about you") and cautiously supportive: she described a kind of platonic sister-like relationship, which even I could see would be an improvement from where we were. She's not romantically interested in women, but (claims to be) not particularly bothered about not having a male partner. I hadn't been meeting that role anyway. We talked about my transition plans: I wanted to start to live as a woman; HRT would potentially risk my fertility, but we weren't realistically going to have any more children anyway; I wasn't sure about whether I wanted surgery or to change my name (spoiler: both). She was OK with that, affirmed that I should live how I want, didn't plan on separating, and volunteered that she'd be understanding if I decided later on that I was into men instead. She did mention that it would probably take a while to get used to the new situation.
My daughter was on board from the get-go and has been 100% supportive. She says I'm a lot easier to get along with now.
There have been a couple of stumbling blocks with the wife. First is a lingering resentment of my past actions: I've been a very shitty (but not unfaithful or physically abusive) husband, and she can be (understandably) pretty icy towards me on occasion. This boiled over one day when she was unhappy that I'd started wearing a bra. We talked about it: we'd already discussed I was transitioning and that this was probably not what she was really upset about; how I want to get on better terms but needed her cooperation. She talked about various things I'd said and done in the past that made her upset and we'd fought about; I accepted and apologized. Crisis over.
Second; I picked a new name (in fact it was one my wife suggested), tried it out at the local LGBT space and decided I wanted to use it full-time. Wife said she'd have to think about it, and kept using my old name. After a couple of months this was really starting to wear me down, and I talked to her about dysphoria and how it was a big deal to me. She still wasn't comfortable using my new name, but agreed to stop using the old one and was OK with me changing it legally. I assume she's still having trouble letting go the old me, or perhaps her ideal of what I could have been. My daughter makes a point to use my new name often, for which I'm very grateful.
Since then I've been steadily shifting my presentation more and more femme, although since I'm at home most of the time I'm usually in pretty androgynous casual wear. My wife has been cool with that, and although I don't recall going out together with me in 100% unambiguous femme mode, I don't think she'd have a problem with it.
Going forward, I don't know what will happen. Maybe I'll decide I like men after all and find a new partner. Maybe my wife will decide she doesn't want to be married to a woman after all. Maybe we'll figure out a platonic cohabiting relationship, or it'll become an open marriage. Or maybe my wife will rediscover an attraction for me. It's pretty much out of my control, and the only thing to do is take life one day at a time.
ADDENDUM: I thought of some comments and advice.