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this post was submitted on 21 Aug 2024
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Mental Health
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I recognize that! I wonder how long you've been in this headspace? Definitely cynical loop as someone else said. That edge isn't you it's your state of mind that you might be stuck in.
When I'm in the red zone I'm irritable, and my values are to be honest so I tend not to be a people pleaser by default. I wonder if you being a persistent people pleaser is a symptom of you being depressed rather than the fixed trait you might think of it is as. Self destructive behaviour like that can manifest from low mood states.
Oh man, I posted this so long ago, and I wish I could say things have improved, but they're so much worse now. I was spiralling and made some really dumb decisions that have since cost me:
Right now I'm genuinely waiting to die. I'm still too much of a coward to do anything myself but there is nothing left to fight for. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I'm beyond tired. I don't even feel the pain anymore. I'm completely numb. Some people are simply too weak or broken to live, let alone to thrive. I feel sorry for stealing oxygen from more evolved and worthy creatures like, I dunno, gnats or earthworms.
Oh no. Well... I can't offer much but maybe I'll message you again in a month? If you want. You want some podcast recommendations?