Ask UK

Some warning words in job listings:

• “hit the ground running” : there’s no time or people to train you, you have a day to learn the whole system.
• ”we’re looking for a rock star…” : the one guy who knew how it all worked rage quit, we need someone who can do it all
• ”open to graduate engineers” : we don’t want to pay a high salary for an experienced engineer so we’ll pay you peanuts to (hopefully) do the same role.
• ”As a world leader in…” : few have heard of us before, including you
• “…fast paced environment …” : We don’t have enough people, would rather not spend the money , prepare to do three roles at once
• “work hard, and play hard” : No play just work, 16 hour days. Once every 6 months HR will plan a mandatory rock climbing event (on a Saturday)
• ”…Remote flexibility” : You can work at home one day per month if it’s snowing otherwise we need you to commute in for every 15 minute meeting
• “You will lead a multi-disciplined team…” : a collection of odds and sods who can’t communicate or get anything done. That’s why there’s an opening
• “…family oriented business…” : We’ll call you with problems any hour of the night, your scheduled vacations are subject to cancellation, if you resign we need 6 months notice, then we’ll still call you at your new job for advice.
• ”We are the innovators” : we need you to juice up our also-ran bland product line
• Any mention of onsite food or catering means they want you working while eating lunch
• ”An opportunity has arisen” : Someone said fuck this I’m out.
• If it’s a job with little contact with customers or clients and they still mention casual Fridays, avoid
• ”You should have ten years experience in Ratfuck XBumpick version 2.3 (1997 edition) and 8 years experience in Tard Tool Power Edition DOS” : We’ll consider you if understand numbered lists in Word.
• ”You enjoy new challenges every day…” : The rest of us just want to get the fuck out of here at 5 o clock and go home.