Trans

In this very long essay (or very short nonfiction book, depending on what framing you prefer), Casey Plett says she’s going to try to define community, then immediately makes it clear that it can’t be defined.

Take the phrase “the [X] community.” When I read that phrase, I think: How does this person know this about the [X] community? What are the borders of the [X] community? How is the writer deciding who counts within them and who does not? Is the writer a member of the [X] community? Would others dispute their membership? Whatever claim is made about the community, how many sections within it must the claim apply to in order to justify the term? Perhaps most importantly, How can that writer possibly decide who gets to speak for the community? And who are those not speaking in their place?

And then, she tells us what it means to feel like you have a community, or none, or to be included or rejected of one community. She talks about « cancel culture », she talks about awkward trans picnics and of justice in the Mennonite community and of when you feel that you’re « from here » − a topic that I definitely relate to.

Communities welcome certain people and cast a suspicious eye on others. Communities lift up their valued members and ignore those they value a bit less. Sometimes those values are, shall we say, suspect. Communities can expel members when they choose, regardless of what that means for the member, and they stay communities no matter how heartless that expulsion might be.

tldr: communities are a vague concept with good and bad things in them.

…but I feel like it’s best to read the book, because that’s a pretty short tldr, huh?

Hi everyone,

This is an update regarding Keris (also known as RiikkaTheIcePrincess). Many of you already know of the situation, but if you do not, go check out her posts on this community.

TL;DR Keris is and has been in an abusive situation with their parents in rural Oklahoma. They gave her a seven day eviction notice, and now they have to leave. They are trans, neurodivergent, and have no place to go.

Keris is in desperate need of a place to stay in Minneapolis. She has gotten their ticket and is set to arrive tomorrow at 4:20pm in Minneapolis. The shelters there are night-only, and are not a good fit due to a variety of factors.

If there is ANYONE who can host Keris in Minneapolis for even a couple of days that would be a huge help. They are in a very bad spot right now and could really, really use your help. If you know someone who could host, that works too.

Thank you for your consideration.

Edit 1: if anybody also knows of any programs in Minneapolis that can help get Keris less temporary housing and/or a job that would also be very helpful.

Edit 2: Keris has found someone to stay with in about two and a half weeks. For now, they are going to try and stay in a cheap hotel. Thank you to everyone who came together to support Keris in her time of need. Please keep sending support and kind words their way. Their PayPal is LuxStellae@gmail.com for those who have asked.

I love y'all 🫂

Edit 3: It sounds like the place she was gonna stay in a couple of weeks fell through. They did make it to Minneapolis okay and are staying in a hotel. Keris still needs some kind of living arrangement (and friends).

This could be the biggest step that was hard for you to start. Or maybe there was a particularly stressful time during your transition that really weighed on you.

How did you overcome this and what did it teach you?

-Olivia ✌🏻

I was pretty bored earlier so I thought "hm I wonder what I would look like with thicker eyebrows." Mind you, I've never touched makeup in my life. I know next to nothing about it. I found a stick that said "CoverGirl easy breezy eyebrow" and then put some on my eyebrows. I said "cool" and then tried to get it off.

The problem is that it would not come off. How the hell do I get this stuff off? Preferably with common household stuff. Help.

Edit: Found some makeup wipes, put too much oil, now my face is covered in olive oil. Accidentally rubbed too hard and got out patches of my eyebrows, but the makeup is finally out. RIP. Thank for y'all's help.

(Or, hell, another nation while I'm dreaming 😅 :-\ ) Walls of backstory (possible to make a cross-instance link? Doesn't seem so): https://pawb.social/post/8062162 https://pawb.social/comment/7374899

Short backstory: Broken critter, 34 Earth-around-Sol-goings old, probably agoraphobic (as in fear-of-crossing-thresholds, not fear-of-public-spaces) and AuADHD. Stuck living with "family" but now they're abusive and near-violent. Called cops on me, tried to throw me out with nothing miles from the nearest town, threatened to cut off my Internet access as if keeping me from working out how to leave is the best way to make me leave. Hatefool logic stuff 🙄, bullies both.

This-post story: Is there anycritter who can
-Pick me up when I figure out where to go and/or give me/point me at a safe place to stay (am currently in northeastern Oklahoma, outside of a little town about forty minutes from Tulsa), or
-Help ~~paw-hold~~guide me through figuring out how to settle in somewhere safer, even a decent* roommate who can maybe help me find the best places to go/be/work/eat/live/etc.?, or
-Just straight-up flee somewhere with me and help work stuff out together? Weird scary idea, sure, but... whatever I guess. Not as scary to me as going it alone, I think maybe. May be able to help financially, even. Probably ridiculous to even think any of this but it's a nice dream to just hop on a bus/plane/silt strider and piss off with somecritter to greener pastures 🤷 ...Presumably flipping every single bird at where we came from.

If not that, some advice on how much things even cost could be really useful. What does it cost to move these days? In time and US Dollars, particularly. And phone calls. Those are terrifying. Anyway Idunno what kind of budget to expect beyond single, discrete things. $100-350 bus fare to Minneapolis, $150-400 air fare depending on when. $60ish per night for a cheap hotel room near here, plus a $100-200(?) deposit I may not get back that apparently isn't mentioned very upfrontly. Those I can just look up but getting a full mental picture of like, a 25-hour bus trip including food/drinks, the bus fare itself, stuff I've not even thought of yet...??? I'd prefer to fly if I can, but then maybe I need a hotel somewhere because of a cancelled flight, and either spend twice as much on the ticket or have to find somewhere to stay for a bit over two weeks, and cab fare to get to the hotel if I need one (or more!), and... ugh!

PS: Sorry this is all really weird and maybe creepy. I'm really weird so maybe it's not unfair to be upfront about that 😅 but also I'm "a little" unsettled by this mess so I'm just kinda blurting things out hoping something makes sense and maybe helps :-\

*"Decent" in terms of interpersonal respect and whatnot, not like... "not weird" or something. Certainly not the video game, that's Descent.

Update 27th March, 03:36 CDT/08:36 UTC
Just gonna talk to myself for a sec, I guess. Probably nocritter else up at this hour. 😓 Welcome to my diary! Or rather, you now are my diary. Congrats! It's an odd role. So, every day's a hell of a trip, and not a fun one. Hours of bad followed by struggle. Just now finally got around to doing some work. Bets on whether I make it? 🤷 Helps to talk...don't wanna drag anycritter down 🤷 Bleegh. Anyway, turns out stuff is big and space for packing stuff is not. Gotta figure out how much I can handle carting around, maybe see if I can find (and get) my carry-on luggage-thingle. Easiest just to cram what I can into a backpack and big-luggage I guess. Already have a couple of each in here. Was using them as catchalls <.< What goes, what stays... ugh. Very ugh. Triple hyper ugh! And the checked luggage fees... damn. Hurts being alone, in every way. Chatting yesterdayish was nice, just sad and quiet now. Am just crying out loud I guess 🤷

Could still really use:

1. Somewhere to stay: for a week or a day (or until mid-next month when air fare's better, but who's wishing for miracles? Oh, it's me.)
2. Somewhere to go: could be somecritter's weird wiggly ~~w~~roommate 🤷 Else maybe advice on where to look for an apartment. Idunno if "cheap and walkable" is a thing that exists but Idunno how the hell I'm gonna be able to get around 🤷 Currently just assuming I'm going to Minneapolis. No freaking clue what to do after that beyond looking for a box to hide in and snatching up like, a bowl and something cheap and edible to put into it. ... What a ridiculous "princess experiences real life" movie I've got going on here 🤦‍♀️ Anyone want a weird ugly pet to take care of 😅
3. Maybe even just some company? At this point even a voice call sounds great. Fair warning: might just cry the whole time. Am already doing that, in fact.
4. ~I~ ~still~ ~wish~ ~somecritter~ ~would~ ~just~ ~come~ ~rescue~ ~me~ ~but~ ~I~ ~totally~ ~didn't~ ~say~ ~that~ ~'cause~ ~it's~ ~scary~ ~I~ ~guess~ 🤷 😶‍🌫️

Will even accept cis people! Only asked here because I'm a little bit familiar around here and can't bring myself to ask anywhere else.

Also, how does one get, say, a bunch of groceries from a shop to a home without a car to store it in? Just haul a bag or two at a time, make multiple trips if needed? Seems like that'd get unwieldy and dangerous really fast, even with like, only two bags but there are cans in there so they can't both be in one hand so like... 🙀 Kindof a shower thought I guess. Still hoping to get one of those today. 💡 Oyeah, maybe use the rolly luggage thingle.

Okay, it's been like an hour and a half just... rambling another wall of crap. I hope somecritter can like, study all' this or something. Maybe I can play a part in advancing Brokenology (scientific study of broken things).

Update 28th March, 04:50 CDT
Just booked the flight. I've been looking at things, bus routes, shelters, apartments, hotels. Feels like I'm kidding the hell out of myself thinking I can do this at all. I should just quit. It'll be harder if I leave. I'll get there and I'll have no one and nothing but a big bag of crap someone's going to want to take. I can't do this. Why the fuck would I think I can do this? It's gonna be dozens of calls and days of wandering the city bleeding funds and maybe literally bleeding just to find out how fucked I am. I'm not built for this hell-world. I can barely handle getting a Discord call from someone I like, how am I gonna survive creating a life from nothing in a new city when there are people who've been there their whole lives, who aren't as broken as I am, who still rely on shelters and soup kitchens? I'll just die a slow, cold death instead of a quick painless one I can have here.

I'm sorry, I know no one wants this crap around. I just feel so damn lost, and like everything's set up so well to make sure I can't possibly be okay, ever.

Can't just buy a place to stay, even if I can afford it. Could get a hotel for like a week, then be totally fucked. Who's gonna hire me? Maybe somewhere truly horrific. And I'll struggle like hell to even apply. Why even try 😭 This is stupid, I'm just throwing my idiot self at a "nicer place" like it's gonna save me.

Managed to schedule a Lyft for Friday morning, to get me to the airport. I just feel really sick. Maybe I'll get a fascist driver who'll just shoot me and dump my corpse in the river. Probably a better fate than what I'll get trying to live a dream, like a total shithead. Ugh.

Nobody's even gonna show, I'll have to freaking scramble up an Uber, then when that falls through just go fuck myself trying to dream up a cab company that'll come out here. FML.

I went roller skating at a queer skate event last night. I've been rollerskating my whole life, and played roller derby, which has a high queer quotient, but last night was something else. There was so much queer pride, and the gender binary was well and truly fucked with! I had such a good time, and it was so empowering to be surrounded by my people.

They even had a couples and throuples skates!

I think I'm going to do it again :)

I was just having a conversation with my wife this morning about my anxiety about the first time I was going to be confronted for my identity. I told her how I felt like it was going to happen soon as I stop passing as cis. Being in a red state in a very rural area makes these anxieties spiral.

Well, it finally happened. I was approached by a stranger for being trans in front of my wife and 20mo son....

And it was such a heartwarming and hopeful interaction! (sorry, I couldn't resist the clickbait plot twist)

My family and I were eating at the local Sam's Club and a man walked up to me and started talking directly to me.

He started with "I don't mean to be presumptuous but..."

Me: Oh shit, here we go. First confrontation and it's in front of my son as we are just enjoying lunch

Him: I don't mean to be presumptuous but I noticed your family is unconventional; my family is also unconventional (He is FtM and his wife is MtF; assumedly). I just wanted to say that if you're looking for resources or community in the area, these are for you

*he hands me two business cards. One card has a website with a big list of transgender resources in my area. The other card is for a local Lutheran Church.

Him: if you're looking for a church, these people don't give a sh*t who you are - they preach about accepting all people and loving and supporting your community. Very loving group of people who accept everyone for who they are.

He patted me on the shoulder, wished me and my family a happy rest of our day and gave a genuine smile as he walked away.

I muttered a thank you but was mostly shocked and didn't even catch his name.

Luckily, once my family was finished eating, we ended up catching him and his wife on the way out. We got to talking a bit more.

I told him that I really needed that because my wife and I are desperate to find local queer community. We talked about how difficult the beginning stages are (I'm 5 months since cracking and 6 weeks on HRT) but it gets so much better. He isn't religious (neither am I) but he goes to this church for the community.

I tell him thank you a million times and we exchange names. We end up hugging tightly for a few moments and we were both a little teary.

Final thought. My wife and I looked up the church and it seems their pastor is queer as well and they specifically mention that they are a trans safe place.

I think my wife and I might end up trying them out in the hopes of creating more friendships and a sense of community. We aren't religious (and can't believe we are considering going to church) but are looking for a community that accepts us as we are. Who knows, maybe that's at church? Lol

Or in other words, do you wish you were born "fitting in" to the society we live in? Why or why not?

This might be a divisive question so please remember to be civil and respectful.

I believe we should all be proud of our trans identities and how they help make up the beautiful complex people we are, but with rising transphobia around the world, we've been pressured to hide this aspect of ourselves and even feel shame or internalized transphobia. It's important to keep in mind that transphobia and bigotry are learned traits. Not something people are born with. Our society as well as influential people in our lives shape these viewpoints out of fear and lack of understanding.

I think this is why so many of us that fall under a binary trans umbrella (including myself) are overly concerned with passing in public. Or "presenting as cis" vs being comfortable with where we are in our process.

Does being concerned with passing mean we wish we were cis? Or is it more of a self defense we have developed to keep ourselves safe even if that means going "stealth" and hiding big aspects of our identity?

What are your thoughts? Do you wish you were cis instead of trans? Why is that?

**EDIT: When writing and thinking about this post, I did not fully consider how different perspectives may view this question. I wrote it using my own experience as a mostly binary trans woman and in turn it excludes a lot of non-binary perspectives.

I apologize for excluding any of our wonderful transiblings from discussion. I'll keep this in mind moving forward and love each and every one of you!

All the love, -Olivia**

A lot of us experience dysphoria about a lot of things. Personally, one of my biggest points of dysphoria is my facial/body hair and masculine sounding voice.

We believe this should be a community where all trans people are welcome to give and receive support on their journey.

Feel free to rant about what's been bothering you and try and comment on someone else's comment with some encouragement! It can really go a long way to brightening someone's day!

Love to all my trans brothers, sisters, enbies and all other flavors of people who live as they are ❤️

-Olivia (oNevia)

As of this post, I am about seven and a half months into my transition (mtf). I've had talks with all of my friends, and all of those went great! I have been overwhelmed with the love and support from everybody. Some of those conversations were scarier for me than others, but none of them were as intimidating to me as a conversation with my parents.

I don't live with my parents, and I haven't for a long time. I have a complicated relationship with them because my childhood was less than ideal, but they recognize that they did a bad job, and we are all in much better places in our lives. Since we've all been living well, I've been making an effort to try to become better friends with them. This meant that I would probably have to talk with them about my transition some time, because it was getting more and more obvious in my appearance.

Yesterday, I took my mom out to try sushi for the first time. We talked candidly about a lot of things, but I didn't feel like the middle of the sushi restaurant was an ideal place to spring transition news. I had a really great time hanging out with her, and she said that she did as well! That was the first time the two of us had hung out since I can remember. The interaction was so positive that it made me feel guilty for not being open with her about my identity.

That guilt kind of ate at me for the rest of the day, and so in the evening I sent her a message to schedule a call. She responded very quickly to tell me that she was open to call immediately, and I took her up on it. After some pleasantries, I informed her through tears that I am going through a transition, and have been for many months. She calmly listened to my explanation, then tactfully replied that both she and my dad already knew this, and figured I would probably want to talk to them about it some day.

I do not know why, but this made me want to throw up. Something about Dorothy peeking through my Wizard of Oz curtain, seeing me handling the levers and dials, and then waiting patiently for me to decide that it was time to address it gave me an unpleasant taste. Truthfully, the talk went about as well as I could have expected. Once we got past the, "Uh, yeah. We could tell," part of the conversation, she made sure that I knew that the two of them love me, and they are happy that I am happy. She said it in a way that conveyed she didn't know why I was doing it, but would love me through whatever. That didn't surprise me at all, and was fine.

Despite the talk going pretty well, I have spent the past day flashing back to that conversation and wanting to scream lol. It has been a while since I've seen a therapist, and I have a feeling that I might have some complicated emotions bound up that I'm not consciously aware of. Because I have been feeling so strongly about it, I thought perhaps writing it down and possibly getting some input from fellow trans people might help.

tl;dr, Told my mom I was transitioning. Apparently she already knew, and nobody was bringing it up. Made me feel ill, like screaming, etc. Unsure why, talk went fine.

Hey folks,

I was wondering if folks had any brands or stores that they particularly enjoy or find have sizes for the tall.

I've been doing a wardrobe refresh through Torrid, but keep finding the sleeves stop inches before my wrist. Finding masc clothing is less of an issue, but femme clothing or fun shoes tends to be a longer or less fruitful shopping trip for me.

Wherever you are, whatever you're going through, just know that you're you and nobody can change that. Don't let anybody tell you for certain about who and what you are, because you're the only one who truly knows. That's a fact.

You're not alone. No matter how isolated and lonely you feel, you're not alone in that feeling. There are many people who are going through and have gone through what you have and made it out to the other side. You are stronger than you know. You just have to keep going, one step at a time, and then you'll figure it out as it comes along. It's okay to make mistakes. You will survive. You can do this.

I love y'all 🦈🏳️‍⚧️

Heyuh, any hot tips on how I can get the hell out of this abuse house? BioParents have decided that one "no" is far too many and they've decided to try to break into my room. They're yelling a bunch of bullshit and telling me to get out but also they're trying to work out how to break into my room?!

I'm in rural northeastern Oklahoma; I've got a bit of money (assuming they don't rob me of that somehow) but no real means of supporting myself because I'm autistic and agoraphobic in the middle of nowhere, relying on them for everything. I've finally got just a little bit of help (some medications at least, nothing fancy) and it's just too little too late I guess.

tl;dr: BioParents threatening, bullying me. Need some kind of lasting escape, need help creating my own life if such thing is possible. Need to never be here again.

Edit: Sorry, I'm a bit scattered. Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. Couldn't find anywhere that is. Also I may lose "their" Internet connection because cutting me off from help is totally not abusing me but actually a reasonable way for them to "take back their property" (they want all of my keys as part of throwing me out, I've never been able to deal with confrontation and they know it... blah blah BS). May be able to use my phone... ugh.

Edit 2: They called the cops on me.
Edit 3: The guy with the Punisher tat explained that no one had done anything wrong but they can't throw me out without going through the eviction process. BioMom has been through that process before (she used to run an apartment complex!) so she damn well knew she couldn't do that, and that the cops wouldn't help her unless they were just hardcore transphobes who'd just as soon shoot me. No shock to me, the only logical reason she called them was to bully me harder or just get me killed.
Edit 4: Night now, managed a kitchen+toilet trip. Didn't get thrown directly into jail nor "institutionalized" for daring to disobey my dear sweet loving and supportive (sarcasm) mother and her imaginary right to invade every detail of my life. Still don't know where to go. I'm too old for many things, too young for others. Kinda afraid (ashamed?) to even try to contact any kind of shelter because like... they've got a handful of rooms and I'm gonna ask for one because I'm a thirty-something loser who's broken and getting thrown out? They made me broken and they're throwing me out for trying to keep one single detail of my life from her but... damn, is that really fair to ask, when others have been through so much worse? Besides, probably nowhere has any space available, so I'll just be stressing over a phone call or whatever and get nothing from it but more stress. FML, wish I'd been born to an actually decent family or not at all. (Edit 4b: No-go on the whole family/friends thing.)
Edit 5: Still alive! Feels like none of this is even real, like I must've just dreamed it all. I think it's this room messing with my head, like nothing can ever change. Am just yapping I guess 🤷 (Edit 5b: Oh, edits count as bumps. Sorry >.<; )
Edit 6: Now BioMom's lashing out at BioDad too. Apparently she's going to take us to hell with her when/after(?) she dies. What the actual fuck. Anyway, in case he comes and kills me I'd like to mention that the new name I've been flirting with is Keris. Nocritter asked and I'm in no state to be soul-searching right now but I kinda want to say it, I guess. Might as well try to be as me as I can when I don't know if there's gonna be a me in ten minutes. On the plus side, if she decides to still go to her thing on Monday I'll have a window for escape. Just have to figure out how, and where to go.
Edit 6b: Okay, not dead yet. No idea what's going on out there; haven't heard anything in a while. Realized I may sound a little insane being afraid of BioDad when BioMom is the one screaming about taking people to Hell with her. She's very movement impaired and can't get to my end of the house on her own. Sad, yes. Complicated. He, on the other paw, is as cruel as she lets him get by with. He's always been physically intimidating (though not yet "violent"), verbally abusive, always looking to do as much damage as he can without her scolding him for it. So if she's not a factor... he's a threat.
Edit/Update 7: They taped a seven-day eviction notice to my door. Looks like state law requires thirty but Idunno if I can last that long anyway, given I'm afraid to even cross the lil hallway to get to the toilet. I'm very not okay, I need somewhere safe to go, at least long enough to calm down and figure out what the hell to do but there's just nothing for it. Might be able to afford a hotel for a couple weeks if I don't eat. I'm not eating anyway so maybe that's not so bad. No friends, no family, no space in shelters (and I don't meet anyone's criteria anyway), no place to go if I do manage to leave, no idea where else to even try or ask. Hell, I'm almost out of bottled water too. If any brave adventurers wanna swoop in and rescue me, now's the time :-\