Greatest Generation

When a failure of Starfleet justice makes a sad little slickback out of Caleb, his escape kicks off a 15-year crime spree and all he wants is to find his mom. But after Captain Ake gets reinstated as the chancellor of Starfleet Academy, Caleb’s transmission to mommy reignites an old beef with Nus Braka. Who’s the only person in Hollywood with a thriving career? Where are dirty clothes stored on the Athena? Which character is all green felt and wood inlays? It’s the episode that saved the fly around for the end.

When Shran’s ship gets blown up and the Entrepreneur is nearby to help, the mutual distrust between Tellarites and Andorians simmers over before trade talks can begin. But after the crew uncovers evidence that the marauding ship can shapeshift, Talas gets shot and Trip and Reed get left behind. What’s the Amish-style 69? How many ways can Babel be pronounced? Where do Andorians bust from? It’s the episode that’s Great, not Grawful.

When the plague has to wait for some mandatory quasar research, the Suburban of shuttles is launched only to crash with seven crew members aboard. But after they leave the shuttle and get attacked by big foots and oversized spears, Spock’s final act of desperation leads to a redemption of his leadership style. Where is help never far away? What’s the difference between TOS and TNG shuttles? Who is so Bosch? It’s the episode that makes Disco shuttles look more accurate.

When Hoshi and Trip return from a Klingon garbage dump with a life-threatening illness, Reed and Mayweather start acting like aliens while Captain Archer and Dr. Phlox try to work out a cure. But after watching the virus take the lives of two crew members, Archer convinces the Organians to try out compassion instead. Who is the Night Stocker? How might Archer suck Klingon dick? Which character is the Harry Kim of Star Trek Enterprise? It’s the episode that’s out of the testicular woods!

When everyone but Spock is exhausted from their space adventures, a shore leave planet starts gaslighting them about some dangerous illusions. But after no one can find the glade and the landing party gets stranded, a Caretaker appears and explains the amusement planet’s safety precautions. How do you know if you can do a bit on your boss? Who is a little like Bruce Wayne but not really? What does Captain Kirk’s snake tattoo say? It’s the episode that approaches the uncanny valley from the opposite precipice with a glade in between.

When Captain Archer reunites with his retconned second family, the experiment set up by Dr. Erickson is a both a charade and a danger to the crew. But after Ensign Burrows is killed and Danica loses it at her dad, Trip gets suspicious and Emory finally has to let go of his son. Who ruined cupcakes? How does human slurry get removed from the transporter bucket? Which character is the Steve-O of pushing wheelchairs? It’s the episode that wants to check more backs.

When some cloaked Romulans interrupt Space-Church, Kirk feels it necessary to investigate. But when a crew person with a bad attitude harshens the bridge’s vibe it’s time to follow a comet and learn some Vulcan history. Will Spock remember this Romulan? How many people does it take to fire a missile? Where’s the stained-glass window? It’s the episode that feels like a submarine, but lives like a warbird.

When V’Las is still warmongering at the Vulcan tactics table, Archer and T’Pau insist they must deliver the Kir’Shara to the High Command personally. But after Shran kidnaps Soval and tortures him for no reason, the Andorians team up with the Entrepreneur to avert V’Las’s war. What do all cults on Vulcan have in common? Which rules are outlined in the first chapter of the torturer’s manual? Who likes to travel with a knife roll? It’s the episode that could have been called Reunification Zero.

When the Entrepreneur gets off course with a theatre troupe, the real reason for the diversion is the lead actor might be Trogdor. But after the last remaining witnesses are eliminated one by one, Captain Kirk’s interest in the young daughter of Karidian ends in another theatrical tragedy. When do you get “the executioner” added to your name? How many colony survivors are rocking full face? Who might sneak into a Sesame Street impression? It’s the episode that introduces a new first-time segment!

When the Uxbridge-Shimoda company holds its first annual holiday party, everyone is invited and attendance is not optional. But after sharing a festive cocktail and suggesting attractive new possibilities for Lego, we’ll either bring back punch bowls or play a round of good keg, bad keg. What would constitute a very special episode of Factory Seconds? How does egg nog get weaponized? Where does Bill want to put his AP style book? It’s the episode that goes boldy!

When Archer and T’Pol find the Syrannites in the caves, they reunite with Mrs. T and learn T’Pau wasn’t the United Earth Embassy bomber. But after Archer tells the Syrannites that he’s carrying Surak’s katra, he leads them to an important ancient relic while the High Command threatens war. How is Ben like T’Pau? Which type of prison cell feels like a very Vulcan idea? What’s the main thing that keeps Adam out of cults? It’s the episode that’s fascinated by the idea of going full torch.

When the Menagerie arc winds down, a Mug Draft winner rises. But after losing the Mug Draft, a shocking realization threatens to change how we feel about this competition forever. What’s the title of Ben’s new documentary? Which mug is the Michael B. Jordan here? Do you want the winning mug for yourself? It’s the episode that both loves and hates this shit.

When the United Earth Embassy gets blown up on Vulcan, an investigation begins and Dr. Phlox sniffs out the fake evidence right away. But after Archer and T’Pol go into danger looking for the wrong suspect, a mind meld by Soval reveals the identity of the real bomber. Where else could that one laurel go on the flag? What does GTL stand for on Vulcan? Which tortured holiday portmanteau works better? It’s the episode that opened a FOIA request.

When a private sub-space message is “delivered” to the Enterprise, Kirk and Co. make their way to Star Base 11. But when Spock takes this opportunity to abduct captain Pike and the ship, there’s no TAL-ing what can happen. Is this Spock from an alternate Trek timeline? Will Bones address the elephant on the bridge? Can Pike scratch that itch? It’s the episode that doesn’t say “fire” but leaves its finger on the button.

When Dr. Soong wants to hide all of his augments in the Briar Patch, Malik pitches a plan to start a war between the Klingons and Starfleet. But after Persis continues to play both sides by helping Soong escape to the Entrepreneur’s brig, Malik decides to blow up the Bird of Prey leaving only one family member to serve time. Who was the older brother Ben needed growing up? What is Soong’s record? Which upgrade comes with a premium hole saw? It’s the episode with a bad bit moment that gets off on a technicality. 

When Kirk and co. stumble upon an unavoidable-glowing-cube-boi they get stuck in an awkward spot. But when Balok toys with the way The Enterprise normally handles new encounters, it’s time to see what the alien looks like and escape the tractor beam. Is Spock too cool for school? What’s that big ear-spring? Have Halloween decorations improved? It’s the episode that gives you a Howard over the wrong frequency!

When Dr. Soong’s augments arrive at Cold Station 12 and continue their mission to unfreeze dangerous shit, Archer meets up with a Lennie Aug and convinces him to help kick the frozen can further down the road. But after the away team beams into a hostage situation, Soong extracts the codes from Richard Riehle and the augments leave everyone on the station to die. What’s a great errand at a great time? How is Ben like Arik Soong? Which side is Persis on? It’s the episode that got unexpectedly arc’d.

When a cargo exchange with a penal colony puts a clever escapee aboard the Entrepreneur, Bones is suspicious of the famous Doctor Adams and pressures Captain Kirk to investigate. But after beaming down with Dr. Noel and jumping into the lobotomy recliner himself, Kirk resists interrogation and Adams learns exactly why his treatment is a failure. What’s the best way to avoid a workplace accident? Which word is particularly remarkable in an Australian accent? How does a photocopier need to be cleaned? It’s the episode with a very dangerous dimple.

When a Klingon Bird-of-Prey brings aboard a couple of disheveled humans, their ass-kicking and ship-stealing behavior has the High Council super pissed. But after Starfleet figures out who these augmented augments are, the Entrepreneur picks up Dr. Arik Soong and brings him along on their mission to avert a war. How is Captain Archer like a UPS driver? Which character has a cry-after-sex vibe? What’s an extremely bad sign in a holding cell? It’s the episode that missed its one chance to ask a Soong about a Singh.

When the Entrepreneur receives an SOS from an exact copy of Earth, the only question that interests the crew is whether anyone might still be alive. But after the away team kills a zombie and meets some kids who are hundreds of years old, they become infected and have to work out a cure to make it out of quarantine in time. Is there a correct number of mugs? How does a flat Earth captain orbit a planet? What could be considered assault on a playground in Los Feliz? It’s the episode where years of experience doesn’t make anyone smarter.

When the Entrepreneur arrives back at Earth and Captain Archer blows up in his debrief meeting, he ends up on vacation with an old flame who wants to help him clear his head. But after Tucker joins T’Pol for her shore leave on Vulcan, her betrothed makes an offer she really can’t refuse. What’s the real reason for only one laurel on the lectern? Which banger-enhancing upgrade won’t be installed on the NX-02? Who designed Darth Vader’s house? It’s the episode that is the 600th file in a dropbox folder.

When the Entrepreneur arrives at Dr. Korby’s last known location, Nurse Chapel is on speakerphone when he calls up Captain Kirk. But after they beam down to meet his new “friends” and lose two crew members in the caves, Dr. Korby shorts out on love and wipes the slate clean on his mechanistic culture. Which sport is really disgusting? What new square won’t be added to the game of buttholes? How are dishwashers shaped on Exo 3?  It’s the episode that imagines a future of rope chairs.

When Lt. Reed figures out where the timeline went wrong, Vosk offers up his prisoners and Captain Archer starts sharing everything he knows. But after Silik and Vosk clash and the Entrepreneur destroys the temporal hole, the timeline is restored and Agent Daniels agrees to fuck off. Which new collab could turn things around for the Purple Zebra? What’s the best way to hide all that rubble at the White House? Does Vosk have at least one redeeming quality? It’s the episode that would never want to infringe on your freedoms.

When Kirk & Co. pick up an untrustworthy businessman named Harvey Mudd and his women associates, the men on the Enterprise are overtaken by a spell. But when Mudd turns out to be making deals behind Kirk’s back, it’s finally time to pry off this annoying barnacle. Will Kirk be able to withstand the spell? How much slink can you get in one episode? What’s with the groovy Spock? It’s the episode Big Rod wrote after watching a Nancy Sinatra music video!

When the most kick-ass season of Enterprise starts in WWII for some reason, Captain Archer gets kidnapped by gangsters and Silik is back to slinking around on the ship. But after toxic sludge Daniels stumbles into sicksbay and dies, Archer returns to figure out exactly who needs to be stopped. What can be expected from any trip to the post office? Which room is next to the crying room and breastfeeding room? How does J. Paul Boehmer feel about himself? It’s the episode that didn’t have the budget for Khmer Rouge.