ckytoshi

I guess there really is no point in wasting my energy getting anxious for not feeling anything sometimes. Because these reminders did in fact come back after a while, even without thinking. that's a relief.

Got it, thank you

Right, thank you. It's when that goal seems impossible to reach, I disconnect from the present so I don't have to face it anymore. But I just need to keep trying.

Wow, thank you. Really relatable.

Isn't trying to outsmart fate doing the opposite tho? trying to prove that fate by thinking of every possibility. Or maybe I don't know whether that fate is from society's POV or not.

I don't know, I thought they are intrusive thoughts because I don't want them.

Maybe that's true. Many of my thoughts are painful stuff I either read or others have said to me. But feeling inferior also triggers these thoughts.

Imagining my future as who I want to be is awesome and makes me excited. It only becomes painful when I remember the present. Because what I imagined is so different from who I am now. So I try to create that image in the present instead, which is what's exhausting.

It's like seeing something orange, you want to see blue, but you can't. So you imagine seeing blue while looking at orange, and think you're actually seeing blue while totally ignoring orange. Sorry, I don't know if I explained this properly.

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not alone.

I actually realized I don't really live in the present. I tried to do that today, but somehow it's really scary and doesn't feel real.

I will try writing when I can. will do my best.

Unfortunately, that's not an option.

Thank you, got it. I think the reason I keep wanting euphoria/dysphoria (even if it hurts) is because I see them as evidence that my feelings and identity still exist, which I'm really scared I'll lose one day. That's why when something that made me euphoric/dysphorbic becomes normal, it's like that evidence is lost, and I feel like I have to protect my identity or else it's gone. It'll probably be better if I stop trying to prove and protect everything, but that feels wrong for some reason.