SAGEGREEN

Last night, I was drinking alone at the bar counter when an older man sitting next to me, also drinking alone, started talking to me. He said, “I got divorced last month. Back when I was married, I used to come up with all sorts of excuses to go out drinking by myself. But now that I’m actually single, drinking alone just feels… lonely.”

So I ignored him.

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今天工作之间有一点空档，我只是为了买一支笔去了一家店。 没有什么特别的理由。就是一支笔。 那是一个清澈又寒冷的冬日下午，我突然意识到，自己已经很久没有这样毫无目的地在外面走走了。久到仅仅一个小时的自由，几乎让我想哭。

我不太喜欢谈论自己。 如果说自己很忙，听起来像是在炫耀。 如果说工作，别人就会开始想象一些我根本不想展示的东西。 甚至说起自己喜欢什么威士忌，都感觉像是不小心暴露了银行余额。一切都让人疲惫。

话一旦说出口，就不再属于你。 别人会误解，会加上他们自己的意义。 然后你要么解释自己，要么厌倦被评判。 两种都很烦，所以我通常选择沉默。

就连说一句“我累了”，对某些人来说都可能听起来像傲慢。 如果对方是自尊心脆弱的男人，就会变成奇怪的竞争，或者无声的怨恨。 不管哪种，我都是输家。 所以我尽量不敞开心扉。这样麻烦更少。

人们对别人的隐私也出奇地随意。 他们像唱歌一样传播个人信息，仿佛无伤大雅。 有时候那不像是粗心，更像是享受“知道点什么”的感觉。 那种微小的优越感。 我不想讨厌人，所以也尽量不给他们可利用的材料。

我在最喜欢的文具店买了那支笔，然后直接去咖啡馆试写。 写起来非常顺滑。 那种顺滑感，会让幸福像电流一样安静地爬上脊背。 有一瞬间，我差点像个傻子一样从椅子上跳起来。

然后，奇怪的是，我突然想： “我想把这件事告诉某个人。”

这让我自己也很惊讶。

想分享这么微不足道的事情。 而且有一个想分享给的人。 那也许就是信任的感觉。 或者是休息。 或者是某种危险地接近爱情的东西。

这个世界上，有些人我绝对不会告诉他们我买了一支笔。 那为什么我想告诉你？ 是信任？ 是依赖？ 还是无聊假装成更深的东西？ 还是……爱？听起来太戏剧化了。大概太夸张了。

我摇了摇头，像是想把这个念头抹掉。 如果我哪天结婚了，也许会是和一个让我一直想讲“买笔这种级别的小事”的人。 然后在每个纪念日，我可能都会像怪人一样说：“谢谢你听我讲笔的故事。”

后来，我发了那条消息。 “我去了一家店。买了一支笔。写起来特别好。” 完全没有意义的报告。 但回复马上就来了。

那就够了。 足够让我觉得，嗯……果然还是很高兴告诉了这个人。 足够让我差点又哭出来。

我也想过，为什么我要写这些给读者、给陌生人看。 信任吧。休息吧。 一种更弱、更薄的爱情版本。

我今年40岁了。 我靠这些小小的幸福活着。 这大概也意味着，我同样会被小小的不幸击垮。我很清楚这一点。

人们说恭喜，我说谢谢。 我不知道自己还会以这个名字被叫多久，也不知道会以现在的自己活多久。 我随时都可以放弃一切。 即便如此，我是真心为变老而感到高兴。那像是一种幸运。

人生会结束。 无论笑着还是哭着，结局都是一样。 皱纹会增加，头发会变白，对当下的感知会变迟钝，双腿会变慢，眼睛会变暗。 然后有一天，这个身体会安静地停止。

在那之前， 我还能遇到多少“买笔级别”的瞬间？ 又能遇到多少愿意听这些瞬间的人？

想到这些有点太吵了， 所以今晚，先喝那瓶常喝的威士忌吧。 那件事，我也想告诉你。

那是二月。

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I had a little gap between tasks today, so I went to a shop just to buy a pen. Not a fancy reason. Just a pen. It was one of those clear, cool winter afternoons, and I realized I hadn’t walked around outside like that, without a purpose, for a long time. Long enough that just being free for an hour almost made me cry.

I don’t like talking about myself. If I talk about being busy, it somehow sounds like bragging. If I talk about work, people start imagining things I never meant to show. Even talking about what kind of whiskey I like feels like I’m accidentally revealing my bank balance. It’s all exhausting.

Once words leave your mouth, you lose control of them. People misunderstand. They add their own meaning. Then you either have to explain yourself or get tired of being judged. Both options are annoying, so I usually pick silence.

Even saying “I’m tired” can sound arrogant to the wrong person. If the listener happens to be a guy with fragile pride, it turns into a weird competition or a quiet resentment. Either way, I lose. So yeah, I avoid opening up. It’s just less trouble.

People are also strangely casual about other people’s privacy. They “sing” personal information as if it’s harmless. Sometimes it feels less like carelessness and more like enjoying the feeling of “knowing something.” That tiny sense of superiority. I try not to hate people, so I also try not to give them material to work with.

I bought the pen at my favorite stationery shop and went straight to a café to test it. It wrote beautifully. The kind of smooth that sends a quiet shock of happiness up your spine. For a second I almost jumped out of my chair like an idiot.

And then, strangely, I thought: “I want to tell someone about this.”

That surprised me.

Wanting to share something this small. And having a person you want to share it with. That might be what trust feels like. Or rest. Or something dangerously close to love.

There are people in this world I would never tell about buying a pen. So why do I want to tell you? Is it trust? Is it dependence? Is it just boredom pretending to be something deeper? Or is it… love? That seems dramatic. Probably too dramatic.

I shook my head like I was trying to erase the thought. If I ever get married, maybe it’ll be to someone who keeps making me want to talk about pen-level events forever. And every anniversary I’ll probably say, “Thank you for listening to my pen stories,” like a weirdo.

Later, I sent the message. “I went to a shop. Bought a pen. It writes really nicely.” A completely pointless report. And yet, a reply came back immediately.

That was enough. Enough to make me think, yeah… I’m glad I told this person after all. Enough to almost make me cry again.

I also wondered why I wanted to write this at all. For readers. For strangers. Trust, maybe. Rest, maybe. A weaker, thinner version of love.

I’ll be 40 this year. I live off small happiness. Which probably means I can also be destroyed by small unhappiness. I know that very well.

People say congratulations. I say thank you. I don’t know how long I’ll keep being called the same name, or living as the same version of myself. I could quit everything anytime. Still, I’m genuinely happy to get older. That feels like luck.

Life ends. Laughing or crying, it ends the same way. Wrinkles will increase. Hair will turn white. My sense of the present will fall behind. My legs will slow. My eyes will fade. And one day, this body will quietly be done.

Before that happens, how many more pen-level moments will I get? And how many people will I meet who are willing to listen to those moments?

Thinking about that feels a little too loud, so for now, maybe I’ll just drink that usual whiskey tonight. That story too, I’d like to tell you.

It was February.

I know you need me, but every time I see you, every time I hear your voice, I can’t help but wish you would just disappear, wish we had never met at all. Stop following me around any longer, because of you, I can’t even sleep at night.

Mosquito.

— SAGEGREEN - Evérything beat tape Available on all platforms: https://linkco.re/SSPZGSf4?lang=en

I know you need me, but every time I see you, every time I hear your voice, I can’t help but wish you would just disappear, wish we had never met at all. Stop following me around any longer, because of you, I can’t even sleep at night.

Mosquito.

— SAGEGREEN - Evérything beat tape Available on all platforms: https://linkco.re/SSPZGSf4?lang=en

tnght is a seven-track beat tape made for late hours and quiet moments. Each beat is named after an animal, not as a concept to explain, but as a feeling to follow. Some move softly, some keep their distance, some linger longer than expected. This tape is less about showing off and more about letting the night breathe.

Streaming across all platforms now: https://linkco.re/tfpcSCXE?lang=en

I just dropped a new beat called PM.

It’s an electro R&B loop track, aka “nothing explodes, nobody screams, and that’s the point.”

I made this beat for those late-night hours when the day is officially over, your brain is half asleep, and you’re not emotionally prepared for a huge drop or a life-changing hook.

https://sagegreen86s.bandcamp.com/track/pm

This beat is called “Already” because honestly… the world’s been moving like it's on 2x speed lately.

Eggs cost more than rent, phones fold now, and someone just tried to pay for sushi with a QR code tattoo.

So here’s “Already”, a slightly futuristic trap beat built for walking through a convenience store at midnight, trying to decide between instant curry or just giving up and buying a banana.

It’s got crisp drums, slippery synths, and the emotional arc of a lost train pass.

Play it when life makes no sense, but you still gotta vibe.

-- Available on all platforms: https://linkco.re/BPhhM2qS?lang=en

M0NDAY, I start night shifts at an Amazon warehouse tomorrow. So I made a beat that punches harder than reality.

This track is what my brain sounds like when I realize I’ll be sorting boxes at 3AM while the rest of the world sleeps and dreams of brunch. No lo-fi, no good vibes, just TRAP drums ready to declare war on the calendar.

I didn’t want smooth chords. I wanted something that says “Hey Monday, square up.”

It’s aggressive, a little unhinged, and exactly what I need to mentally suplex the work week before it suplexes me.

So if you're also out there wrestling with life, deadlines, or 20kg packages at ungodly hours—this one’s for you.

Press play. Let’s fight Monday together.

--

Available on all platforms: 🎧 https://linkco.re/8DcFhAp9

Hey folks, yeah, you, scrolling past like you're late for something. Hold up a sec. Talk to Me, I don’t bite (Much). Happy Father's Day!

Just putting this out there, have a listen if you’d like. My new boom bap funky beat.

SAGEGREEN - Log https://linkco.re/yD06U5XE

A greeting from Japan