Hello,
I don't know why, but some part of me wants to share this. After several years of academic/research struggle and a suffocating existence at home, I managed to get an admit to a pretty reputed University in Europe. Unfortunately, my mental depression followed here as well, and despite me doing everything that I could do to contain it's effects, I had to start on antidepressants. While they did help, they were never really helping me to focus on my thesis at the time, at which point my ADD came to light, thanks to an online psychologist from my home country.
This is where my roller coaster begins. The initial meds that I started with really did well. Some ~2 months later they stopped working because the brand changed. I suggested to both GP and psych that this might be the issue, but the GP said that the active ingredient is the same, and its just my fatigue that's causing this drop in productivity. Well I accepted this explanation, took a break, but it didn't help at all. It was then up to me to find the specific brand that has worked for me, which finally brought the required effects. But even then, it still wasn't up to par, and I asked for an increase dose, for which again both said that it's too high, which i quietly accepted and continued to finish my thesis and graduate. This thesis was a subject which is close to my heart, but it pains me that I had to do such a half assed job at it.
Well graduation and another break done, I came back to start a job search, during which again my productivity wasn't quite enough. It's at this point that I did my research and pointed to the GP that a higher dose of this medication is possible, as has been proved by manufacturers summaries. It's then she finally relented, and lo and behold, I was correct! But by then I think it was too late, the exhaustion from the extra year of unnecessary slogging, ADD, my age, the humiliating job search process and my specific interests have finally culminated in me not getting a job here, and to go back.
I really didn't think it would come to this. I had worked hard, but the capitalist machine needs people that can immediately churn a profit. Since my previous experience was mostly in a research setting, and since i have crossed an age limit out of my control, I am 'unsuitable' for industrial roles.
In a way, I just wanted to 'enjoy' atleast 2 to 3 years of being truly independent and free, to enjoy the spoils of an empire, and to recover from a life of continuous struggle and proving myself. It's not that I hate my homeland, but I've never ever felt at ease, mainly due to my toxic/mentally ill/anger issues/autistic father. I had moved out due to this earlier, but I had used that period to spruce up my profile for this University.
Sigh...
It's not a dead end, I could find a job in my homeland, but it wouldn't clear my debt as easily, and would be hard to move out.
Sigh...
Thank you for reading till here.