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Relationship Advice

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I (30s F) am head over heels for my best friend (late 20s F), but she's afraid of changing our relationship. (lemmy.world)
submitted 1 month ago by Suck_on_my_Presence@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
6 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

I'll try to keep this short, sorry!

We met at a tumultuous time in my life ~7 years ago and bonded over shared trauma very quickly. Since then, we've been excellent friends. In this years since, we've both been through a tremendous amount of personal growth and strife and have grown closer and closer. She's just the kindest and most beautiful soul and makes me feel safe and like I have worth. She's said similar about me.

We've had a ton of friends mistake us for dating - to be fair, we're both touch starved and since we're so close emotionally, we're typically physically close as well. Like holding hands, kissing one another on the head or arm, snuggling, etc. Because of the mistaken notions of friends, we had a very real conversation about what "we" are, and the first conversation we had alluded to the fact that she had some romantic interest, and I was happy to move forward with a romance. The conversation was cut short and the next time we had a conversation, I was more forward that I wanted and was hoping for romance after sorting through my feelings since the first conversation. But she began to back pedal.

She's afraid that things will change. And she's also afraid of her own internal anxieties pushing forward to chew at her and cause resentment if she feels like she's not good enough. In her words, she's not a very exciting person and her idea of a good time is phone in hand laying on the couch.

I've known her long enough and spent enough time with her to know this, but I don't want to push the issue and create discomfort. But that being said, I do want a relationship to come out of our friendship.

I'm stuck in what I can do, if anything. I can try to reassure her and I can propose a trial period or whatever. But I don't want to come off as pushy and I don't want to betray any of her feelings, nor do I want to breathe any life into those anxieties she harbours. Can anyone offer some advice? Or just some thoughts, even.

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[–] Rhaedas@fedia.io 10 points 1 month ago (1 children)

You seem to be past the biggest hurdle that people have, communication. Only you two can truly say what's best for each of you, but my opinion is to find the common denominator, which is her level of caution and development. Reason being, if you push her faster or farther than she feels is comfortable, you're not doing it for both of you but for yourself. If you're already close to begin with, either something will mutually happen or it will stay the same, and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't think you can do a trial run and then step back to before.

Above all, continue to talk about it. I think no matter what happens, being open with each other will have better results than trying to make something happen that isn't ready or isn't there for one of you. You might find that your efforts to let her breath allows her to figure out where she stands and gives you what you want.

[–] Suck_on_my_Presence@lemmy.world 4 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I appreciate your input, thanks.

That's what I've been telling her too, that a relationship can only work if you follow the "slowest" parts. It's hard to both be cautious of that and yet yearn still, haha.

[–] Rhaedas@fedia.io 4 points 1 month ago

Best of luck. I don't have much relationship experience, as the one I fell for I'm still with for 30+ years. But even though it was a young crush and all the rush to get closer, we're friends first and foremost and I think that is the key to a lasting relationship, no matter how far it goes. If it takes a while to develop, it will be better for it.

[–] morphballganon@lemmynsfw.com 5 points 1 month ago

Sounds like you want to be pushy.

She has stated a boundary. Whether you respect it or not is your test.

[–] Visstix@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago

It sounds like she is insecure about herself. You've basically been together for 7 years and she thinks it somehow will make you think less of her? Even though not much will change. Not sure what you can do about it, other than reassurance and letting her decide.

[–] Contextual_Idiot@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 month ago

There aren't a lot of details for me to base this on so I'm speculating here, but it sounds like you two are already in a relationship of sorts. One that is more than friendship but less than a romantic one.

It sounds like you two share a lot with each other, talk a lot and spend a lot of time together. This would create an intimacy that wouldn't exist in a typical friendship, because it's usually what people in a romantic relationship do. And if neither of you have partners, you would lean on each other for that emotional support.

Now, as for taking the next step, you should tread slowly and carefully. I suggest you continue to support your friend as a friend, and let her come to terms with her feelings and her fears. Unfortunately the only thing you can do is continue to be around her and be her friend. There's nothing else that will really tip the scales, and anything else you try could tilt them against you.

Your friend is afraid of ruining the relationship she already has with you, because she values it and values you. Only patience and time will let her understand that fear and decide if it's worth the risk.