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Relationship Advice

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Sometimes she's not "just another girl". Need advice. (lemmy.ca)
submitted 3 weeks ago by stepan@lemmy.ca to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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Been struggling alot recently. . Trying to get over someone special and friends tell me "she's just another girl". I get they mean well, but sometimes she isn't just another girl. How do you convince yourself it isn't the end?

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[–] whyrat@lemmy.world 2 points 6 days ago

Getting over someone is hard. I prefer not to phrase it as: "she's just another girl" because that diminishes the fact that to you she was special and more than "just another girl". That's why you have these feelings of attraction & desire in the first place.

But, her being special doesn't mean she's someone you'll end up with in a long relationship. Your attraction & affection for her is only half a relationship. There will be MANY women (or men, it goes both ways) you meet in life that seem amazing & special, but don't return those feelings towards you. And I don't mean this as a downer; it's just a reality... It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you because you're not the type of person a specific girl is interested in dating.

It's not about getting over her; as hard as that is to hear it means there's not a relationship there. It takes both people for a relationship to form (a healthy one at least, which I hope is what you're after). It sucks, but it happens. You have to learn to move past that and continue living your life (including meeting other people & potential partners). You're not getting over "her"; you're getting over a relationship that you'd like to exist but doesn't.

I'll not make light of how hard it can be to move past someone, as I see some others do in their replies. Attraction for someone should take time to get over. It's hard to experience a strong amount of attraction towards someone and not have that returned. But the reality is there will probably be many people in your life that fit this description. Don't dwell on the people who aren't returning your affection; and figure out what you need to do to redirect that energy into finding someone for whom the attraction is mutual. Because that's when you'll eventually find someone who really is special; as hard as it might seem now to think of someone being more special than this current girl... odds are it will happen. Then you'll get to have a whole relationship with them (rather than a one-sided one). And being in a mutual relationship will be far better than what you're longing for now.

Source: mid-forties and have gone through many break-ups and a divorce. When a relationship isn't working out, figure out what you need to do to move past it & look for the next one.

[–] jubilationtcornpone@sh.itjust.works 10 points 3 weeks ago

How do you convince yourself it isn't the end?

You don't. You just go on with your life. Eventually they fade into a distant memory. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not even next week or next month. But eventually they do. The best thing you can do is focus on doing things that make you happy and living your best life. The rest of the healing will come on its own.

[–] VitoRobles@lemmy.today 5 points 3 weeks ago

Math and logic. Plain and simple.

Go to a concert with a hundred people. You might find a dozen women attractive.

Multiply that.

[–] Echinoderm@aussie.zone 4 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

You really haven't given us much to go on here.

Were you in a relationship? For how long?

Also, what sort of age group are we talking here? Your options and perspectives are likely to be different if you are in your teens vs 20s vs 30s, etc.

[–] stepan@lemmy.ca 1 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

We never dated but I loved her. I'm 22M

[–] VitoRobles@lemmy.today 12 points 3 weeks ago

Mate, going to say this honestly and directly.

You loved the idea of her in your head. And that idea took over.

She didn't share the same feelings and now you're running off emotions, rather than logic.

Spend a week recovering, then move on.

[–] blarghly@lemmy.world 1 points 3 weeks ago

You get over her by realizing that investing your happiness in one single other person is a losing proposition.

Invest in yourself. Figure out what you want in life, then go live that life. Build up a supportive group of excellent friends. Then go date a ton of women. And you'll realize she was just another girl.

[–] Randomgal@lemmy.ca 3 points 3 weeks ago

Therapy or counseling

[–] BryceBassitt@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 3 weeks ago

She actually was just another girl

[–] NutinButNet@hilariouschaos.com 1 points 3 weeks ago

I’m in a bit of a similar situation too.

You just have to move on. Try to remind yourself of the bad memories when the good ones come up. Sometimes that helps.

Unfortunately the biggest way to let go is to find someone new to replace them. She replaced someone else who I couldn’t let go of and now I don’t ever think of that person anymore.