Not *Not* the Onion

WASHINGTON—After he was forcibly removed from a press conference held in Los Angeles yesterday by Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Democrats in the House of Representatives backed a resolution Friday that thanked federal agents for handcuffing Sen. Alex Padilla (D-CA).

“We express gratitude to law enforcement for bravely apprehending a sitting U.S. senator who expressed dissent in a public forum,” read the resolution, which won the support of 75 Democrats and praised both FBI and Secret Service agents for risking their lives to throw Padilla to the ground, handcuff him, and drag him outside.

“Every day, these brave officers stand in the line of fire to protect us from individuals who dare to exercise free speech. Thankfully, they were able to stop the senior senator from California before he could ask any difficult or probing questions on behalf of his constituents. We stand behind them, no matter which elected officials they may choose to assault, injure, or imprison.” Democrats also voted to give Noem a special commendation for bravely protecting authoritarianism in the face of danger.