Holy crap I feel seen! I always wondered this also!
A reason is an explanation although not all explanations are reasonable.
An excuse is an attempt to justify a reason/explanation.
Excuses are used when the expiation is not reasonable.
Imho, an excuse is just an invalid reason, and that varies person to person and situation to situation.
I work in a role that has customer service elements, and sometimes there is no difference. Some people just want to be angry. CEO types are the worst about this, where an “excuse” is any less than perfect reason (from their ungrounded point of view) and a reason is whatever they accept, and usually their mind has already been up. Perfection or perish.
On the other hand, if I was late to work, and my manager asked why, and I said “Oh, there was a major wreck on the freeway” he would say “oh, that’s fine” knowing I often get to the office a little early because I add in an extra 20 minutes for traffic, since that usually gets me into the office in time due to how unpredictable my commute times tend to be.
The director at my first job, would not give a flying fuck, and would exclusively say “stop making excuses, you should have left earlier” if i was like two minutes late for any reason, even if a normal person would go “oh ok, that’s fine”
Yeah it's important to cut that off, if you can.
I try to reply something like "I'm not seeking to be excused, I'm explaining what happened. That's it." This can be a bit bristly but it clearly defines your role in the conversation, and stops them from putting you in a role they've picked for you. (the penitent subordinate) .
Obviously ymmv as you might not be stable enough in your role
I really dislike rhetorical questions.
The mistake here is that the person explaining is interested in things like being correct or promoting efficiency while the adversary is only interested in hierarchy and dominating the explainer within their social context. That's the miscommunication happening.
I think this person asking you is really trying to tell you you did something the wrong way, but in a less direct manner, because directness is considered "rude" in some cultures.
Oh, yeah, I think it's just a speech figure to win the debate.
Some boss-normies constantly do this to up the pressure and you stress levels.
I just stated to either fully ignore such questions or give beck bullshit one-liners ('bcs I know what I'm doing', 'it was the best resources allowed', 'bcs I deliver & achieve goals, and this one is achieved', etc.).
But it's all just leader bullshit.
I do it with my kids. Not because I don't want to hear the process, I do, but I want them to think about the root cause of why they do the things they do. Oversimplified example; why didn't you do your homework? Well, I didn't think about it. Ok, why didn't you think about it? I was focused on (x thing). Sure, so why weren't you able to remember you had homework? Etc, until we find what the reason was.
It's like a 5 whys or drill down method. The root is the reason, almost everything before it is an excuse. Essentially I'm attempting to teach them to do this on their own to improve their problem solving abilities and, because they're both ADHD, like me, to teach them to coping skills.
But yes, at work it's often just an excuse to push an agenda in a demeaning way.
But what you do with your kids is getting the explanation from then, to get to know the process & "cause" (just a bit more guided for obvious practical reasons).
I was arguing that mid management & SB often don't actually have any agenda to know & understand the reasons, just to keep the pressure & simple taking points that are so oversimplified that they don't represent anything tangible and thats fine for everyone.
(The opposite of you & your kids)
Oh I totally got that. I was just trying to offer an alternative use of "reason" vs "excuse". My parents use it too, but, as you've explained, in an attempt to establish hierarchy and remind me of my place.
And a shit ton of bosses who've done the same. I think it can be a useful tool but it's almost never used that way.
A reason is a motivation to do a thing. An excuse is a reason to do the wrong thing (though not necessarily an inherently wrong thing - just anything that the other person thinks was wrong).
As for dealing with other people, it's subjective. If they're not satisfied with your answer, it's an excuse to them.
To be a bit more specific, I'd say there are two factors at play, which are of course hard for the other person to judge, especially if they're a manager not involved in the task itself:
Of course, it also depends on the priority level of the task. If your sibling asks for a glass of water and you get them a mug because there are no glasses in the cabinet, those stakes are low enough that it's a valid reason even though you could have checked the dishwasher or washed a glass yourself.
Reasons are explanations for actions. Eg. "The reason I was late turning in my homework is that I had to got to the hospital".
Excuses are explanations for actions (aka reasons) that are not socially justifiable. Eg. "The reason I was late turning in my homework is that my friends invited me out for drinks".
The hard part is that jackasses will view even valid reasons as excuses, because to them any factors negatively impacting you are not more important than the end result being achieved.
excuses lend themselves to lengthy explanations. reasons are more succinct and pertinent
(got put in wrong place. Edited and put in correct place for proper response)
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