385
Why does “come here” bother me so much?
(lemmy.world)
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
this post was submitted on 05 Aug 2023
385 points (91.4% liked)
No Stupid Questions
35834 readers
1210 users here now
No such thing. Ask away!
!nostupidquestions is a community dedicated to being helpful and answering each others' questions on various topics.
The rules for posting and commenting, besides the rules defined here for lemmy.world, are as follows:
Rules (interactive)
Rule 1- All posts must be legitimate questions. All post titles must include a question.
All posts must be legitimate questions, and all post titles must include a question. Questions that are joke or trolling questions, memes, song lyrics as title, etc. are not allowed here. See Rule 6 for all exceptions.
Rule 2- Your question subject cannot be illegal or NSFW material.
Your question subject cannot be illegal or NSFW material. You will be warned first, banned second.
Rule 3- Do not seek mental, medical and professional help here.
Do not seek mental, medical and professional help here. Breaking this rule will not get you or your post removed, but it will put you at risk, and possibly in danger.
Rule 4- No self promotion or upvote-farming of any kind.
That's it.
Rule 5- No baiting or sealioning or promoting an agenda.
Questions which, instead of being of an innocuous nature, are specifically intended (based on reports and in the opinion of our crack moderation team) to bait users into ideological wars on charged political topics will be removed and the authors warned - or banned - depending on severity.
Rule 6- Regarding META posts and joke questions.
Provided it is about the community itself, you may post non-question posts using the [META] tag on your post title.
On fridays, you are allowed to post meme and troll questions, on the condition that it's in text format only, and conforms with our other rules. These posts MUST include the [NSQ Friday] tag in their title.
If you post a serious question on friday and are looking only for legitimate answers, then please include the [Serious] tag on your post. Irrelevant replies will then be removed by moderators.
Rule 7- You can't intentionally annoy, mock, or harass other members.
If you intentionally annoy, mock, harass, or discriminate against any individual member, you will be removed.
Likewise, if you are a member, sympathiser or a resemblant of a movement that is known to largely hate, mock, discriminate against, and/or want to take lives of a group of people, and you were provably vocal about your hate, then you will be banned on sight.
Rule 8- All comments should try to stay relevant to their parent content.
Rule 9- Reposts from other platforms are not allowed.
Let everyone have their own content.
Rule 10- Majority of bots aren't allowed to participate here.
Credits
Our breathtaking icon was bestowed upon us by @Cevilia!
The greatest banner of all time: by @TheOneWithTheHair!
founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
As a counselor, there's very clearly some serious internalizing going on.
OP, you might want to start asking yourself questions like, "Why does it REALLY bother me so much?" No offense, seriously not attacking, but your post raises some concerning flags. Counselling may be a good recommendation, because it seems there's more going on here than is being told.
As a counselor, of course YOU'LL recommend counseling. Which in this case is maybe a good idea, but also, it's totally normal for spouses to have pet peeves with one another and it doesn't necessarily indicate an issue in the relationship.
Source: married for 25 years
Nono, you got it wrong. They need to have counseling AND hopefully a divorce ASAP. OP should also delete Facebook and hit the gym.
Oh no, r/RelationshipAdvice has made its way to Lemmy
I'm pretty sure he's being sarcastic and making fun of this behavior.
Does this mean we've hit critical mass now? ;)
Don’t forget to lawyer up
Now that we're free from Reddit's shackles we should up the ante, we need a new relationship ending mantra. Like "delete your hard drive, hire a mercenary squad, and hit the Instagram filters."
Delete your search history, dig a grave, and hit the axe throwing range
Well, it's safe to recommend those to anybody. Also drink plenty of liquids, preferably water, and don't forget to breath.
This... doesn't sound like something a counsellor would say.
kapow, you figured it out
I think it bothers me on a couple levels. 1- I feel he keeps me in unnecessary suspense and that’s unpleasant. 2- he participates in a lot of behaviours that are self satisfying. If I’m out he will call and ask what time I’ll be home and a thousand other questions no one else would ever ask, just because he was wondering, and he wanted those wonderings satisfied. It can’t wait until I get home, it must be the second he wonders about it. 3-he thinks I have the answers to all questions, and if I don’t know he expects I’ll be the one to find the answer instead of just googling it like a normal person.
I’m annoyed because it’s constant and habitual and anything that repeats that you find mildly annoying 5x a day for 15 years will inevitably become infuriating instead. Imagine if someone just poked you in the side 5x a day for 15 years. It doesn’t hurt. Doesn’t really affect your day. It’s just annoying and pointless. But after a while you’ll just snap and scream “why the fuck are you poking me ! Stop touching me!”
It’s like that.
Maybe ask him to switch it up? "Come check this out" for something interesting, "Come here" for something he needs help with (broken glass, for example), and "I need you, now" for emergencies.
As far as the "wondering" questions go it seems like part curiosity, part control. My dad used to do it to my mom sometimes (he has super early signs of dementia), but my mom shut it down with: she's her own person and she's not going to stop living her life and reporting to him when he gets anxious that she's not home. It may sound cruel but he's also not calling/texting randomly when one of her church meetings goes longer than expected. This one is more like setting boundaries for when you want to be autonomous without having to worry about answering him immediately.
Side note: I'm just a musician, not a therapist, so take what I say as you will.
I’d add a fourth one: when you’ve told him how it makes you feel (and requested he respect you and your time), he’s doubled-down on the disrespect. His shrug just shrugs off all your feelings you were open/vulnerable enough to share like they don’t matter. That’s not okay in a partnership of equals.
The other patterns you mention (like making you fumble through a new game after a long day and calling you a million times to ask minor questions) are the same thing — the initial thing was disrespectful, so you explained that to him, but he hasn’t chosen to see that as a reason to change. That’s a massive red flag.
Also, the weaponized ignorance (ie the refusal to spend the two minutes it would take to figure it out on his own) is another part of the very common pattern happening right now between very many couples. The women are waking up to just how unhealthy their dynamic is with their husbands. In the stories that make it to the internet the men don’t usually change — sometimes a huge life adjustment can shake him out of it but only if he reacts with empathy. Good luck. This is difficult. And you’re not alone.
Come on, it's obvious why it bothers them so much. As it should, that's extremely annoying. If the partner wants to show something, they can come over to you, not call you.