So I thought I had figured myself till now. But I was clearly wrong...
So the last few days have been incredibly confusing as I reflected on my gender identity. I'm definitely a boy, that's for sure. I wouldn't want to go by any pronouns except he/him. The they/she stuff simply isn't me.
I don't want to dress up in a feminine manner (I don't think I would be comfortable in skirts and thigh highs and what not...). Like... I haven't tried that yet, but I really doubt I would be much interested in it. I like my current wardrobe.
HOWEVER, I want a feminine-ish body. Like... not boobs or anything. I find boobs quite repulsive. BUT I would definitely love to have a more feminine butt/dick. I like tucking, WHILE loving my dick.
I hate body hair/facial hair. The only place that I like hair on is my head. And while my hair is long-ish, it isn't girl-like long. Like... the intention is not to look like a girl.
I dunno, it's weird I suppose... Here's one way to put it. If estrogen didn't give me boobs, I would LOVE to take it. I would love to have a higher voice, better head-hair, and a girlier butt and dick. BUT I would still identify as a male while being in male-like clothes.
What the hell am I? I'm definitely not trans. I don't think I'm a femboy, as I would hate doing makeup/wearing skirts n stuff. I'm so confused.
Oh, and I'm gay if that's relevant.
I wouldn't know, but I hear that cis guys are generally uncomfortable with being feminine.
Cis guys are taught to be uncomfortable with feminine things.
Glam rock is a blatant example that men can be feminine and over the top masculine at the same time.
But I'm not uncomfortable having "feminine mannerisms". Like... I'm just not a girl.
That's totally valid!
I'm also not a girl, and for a long time I didn't pursue hormone therapy because it seemed like something reserved for trans girls. But I also knew I was more guy-ish than a guy and figured I'd just have to put up with my dysphoria until research on HRT for enbies started showing up a few years ago.
Anyways, labels are more like guidelines than rules when it comes to human sexuality and gender. There's nothing wrong with being a feminine cis guy no matter who tries to tell you that's contradictory. There's also a lot of sub-labels under the nonbinary umbrella, perhaps something like Mascandrogyne would fit?
Hmm, I would be following this very closely now (the SERM stuff)... What a dream it would be to have a body like the one I want!
If I identify as androgynous, I think this would be it!