Title says it all, I just can't find a reason to keep going for myself. The only reasons I haven't found a way out of living is because:
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I haven't found a method with a good success rate that would be painless, not messy, and if I messed up wouldn't leave me with a lifelong condition.
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The fact that it would cause a massive amount of pain and grief for family and friends, and probably push my mother and my uncle over the edge for them to do something similar.
That's it. I should be greatful and happy, I've come a very long way from some serious shite situations including being massively in debt, so broke I was eating sleep, a shouting match filled childhood looking after my mum, a hellish work environment that drove me to my last attempt, and being bullied and isolated at school so much that if I wasn't in a country with strict gun laws I would have actioned a plan that made the Columbine teens look like amateurs.
But no, I genuinely can't find a reason as to live for myself. It fucking annoys me that I'm having to stay alive out of guilt for other people. Everything I see in the world seems to just be descending into more and more conflict, the summers keep getting hotter, and despite there being solutions available they're not being implemented fast enough because a handful of rich pricks aren't happy the number in their portfolio.
There's nothing I find externally that fuels me with a passion for living so instead of just getting the death over with I feel pressured by society to accept the longer drawn out version because apparently no sane person would voluntarily wish to cease to exist if there's nothing medically or situationally wrong with them.
The SSRIs are helping with keeping the mood on an even keel but these thoughts still persist. They have done since I was young. And thanks to society frowning upon suicide nobody will offer me a quick and painless death.
(I am not a doctor and none of this comment should be seen as medical advice) (all questions should be asked of yourself, with no expectation of response to this comment)
Based on the entirety of your post, it seems to me that you've never lived for yourself and still don't know how. I can relate. I need purpose, I crave it. And I'd imagine that's what you need too. Purpose. A reason for being. A thing which answers to the question "why are you?" in a way that satisfies you.
I've lived so many years in this empty state. It does no good. Guilt like this is a shackle that serves no purpose. It just traps us in a constant state of dread. For me, psychedelics like LSD and psilocyban (found in magic mushrooms) have been helpful to sort of "reset" my brain and mindset for a while. It's not a permanent fix but has been beneficial for me nonetheless. My refreshed mindsets tend to last for a few months and then fade out slowly. But this has been enough to help me make some small changes which can hopefully act as building blocks for further changes toward a life lived for myself. I'm still a work-in-progress (aren't we all though?).
Forget "externally" for a moment. Is there anything which can fuel a passion in you? Ignore other people and their opinions; those are entirely irrelevant. No one else matters. What do you want for yourself?
Did you feel that "powerful" feeling? That "high" feeling? Like you can do just about anything? That feeling when you're like "I'm finally gonna do it. I don't care about anything else anymore. I'm gonna do it...I don't care about anything else anymore." When you feel that nothing else matters, that you're signing out for good, and that all of those concerns are nothing now. I'm not sure how best to word this and am hoping it makes sense to you.
I feel that life can probably be best lived on the edge of this world and that one. Like, if we're able to balance ourselves, mentally, on that edge, between caring about everything and caring about nothing. The ability to let it all go is a powerful thing, and so is the ability to care as much as we do about as many things as we do. There has to be a way for that balance to be possible. I feel as though my own attempts have allowed me to catch glimpses of such a thing, and my LSD and psilocyban trips have also helped, but it's still difficult to truly stay there.
If you can find it for yourself, I'd think it's a much better mindset than where you currently find yourself. And from there, you might see who and what and why you are. I think that's what truly matters.
I find a calm in me when typing things like this, and you might want to try typing your thoughts and feelings for yourself sometimes too. Poetry, stories of your life, stream-of-consciousness ramblings, whatever feels right to you. Maybe that can help you open doors within yourself that can bring you some sense of internal calm and direction.
I hope that something here can be useful to you, or others like us.
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